Waiting for autopsy report to confirm his genitals looked like raw hamburger meat

You forgot to mention the borderline erotic stupor the narrator slips into when she eats Cheetos.

I never go anywhere without my leaf. When I fished a chest onto my raft, whacked the chest while fanning a few times without realizing it, and BROKE MY LEAF, it was more upsetting than the first time I accidentally ran over a fox with my horse.

#teamnobody

I’ve been in some sort of beta test because my stars were replaced with thumbs about a year ago and I fucking hate it. Most movies I wouldn’t give a thumbs up or thumbs down, but there’s no thumbs sideways option.

Someone who writes this much about other people doing a thing differently -- that in no way affects you -- isn’t in a position to judgementally tell others when to “get help.”

in addition to the silly paint scene, goldfinger also has bond turn pussy galore straight with his magic dick.

Don’t worry, it’s not /that/ good!

Protect me, daddy.

“There’s blood and biscuits everywhere.”

When I saw The Lobster, two women walked out right before Colin Farrell finds his dog/brother on the bathroom floor. I judged them for sitting through the excruciating scene of Ashley Jensen screaming and bleeding on the concrete, then leaving at the mention of a dog being killed.

That accidental revelation that he knows she’s in TV (not to mention on Bravo, which is owned by NBC Universal, the same parent company as E!) and not some other medium (ha) is what, according to my marginally problematic love for the movie Maverick, poker players like to call a “tell.”

Remember when Omarosa thought “the pot calling the kettle black” was a racial slur?

I enjoyed this so much. Your writing is delightful.

Yeah instead she should ask her 77 million Instagram followers to build her a time machine so she can go back and speak up ten years ago.

This wasn’t the first same sex pairing on DWTS. Steven Guttenberg danced tango with Jonathan Roberts in 2008.

It’s only a matter of time before he ties me to a chair and splits my head in half with a guillotine.

I’m Facebook friends with David Homb, Don the possessed husband in Phantasmagoria. I think he sent friend requests to everyone who was a fan of the Phantasmagoria page. He used to comment on my statuses as if he actually knew me.