Phoniest redemption narrative

You are the opposite of terrible. Kids are terrible.

Something reasonable but unrealistic (“After a meeting with the commissioners, the NFL has pledged to institute a zero tolerance domestic violence policy with automatic one year suspension and loss of wages”) that they will look terrible when backtracking.

Not that I care about baseball, but if I hacked MLB’s Twitter I’d probably report Derek Jeter (or Mariano Rivera) both admitted longtime PED use, and have subsequently renounced their HOF status. Just to BREAK BRAINS.

When I was 11 I was at a week long hockey camp at the University of Maine. My best friend and I realized a couple days in that - cut off from TV (this was 1994) and playing hockey 10 hours a day - no one had any idea of what was going on in the world.

I’d announce that Tim Tebow has been signed by The Cleveland Browns.

“The Washington Redskins are on indefinite hiatus until they change the name of the team.”

1) Make popcorn

For baseball, I would only tweet the losses by the Cardinals, nothing more.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with the entire Curry family and Golden State organization on this tragic day”

1. Delete all tweets.

NFL: “Commissioner Goodell has resigned effective immediately and indicates that he will turn himself in on racketeering charges.”

I think some plausible relocation news (NHL Carolina—>Vegas for instance) is a pretty solid way to terror into a fan’s heart for a brief second.

I wouldn’t tweet a thing, just start following depraved porn accounts, racist accounts, etc, and then let somebody else discover it.

Don't worry. Goodell has already suspended the account.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with going to the zoo as an adult with no kids. Anyone who says otherwise is a communist.

Edit: kinja on mobile is essentially unusable

He hasn't outright denied this claim you just made yet. Makes you think...

Nope.

“I hate America,” Curry said. “We [The Warriors] burn an American flag before every game, it’s a tradition.”