I worked at Starbucks... And you know? I never had an issue when someone came in with a heavily modified drink. Because those fuckers are deeeeeear. If you're spending more than 5$ on a drink, I feel like you can be a little fussy over that drink.

I thought hard about this but the only lesson I could come up with to be learn from this was:

I used to get pissy when I worked in the cafeteria for a large food company that makes chocolate bars and pet food and the office people would ask for the shit to be put on in a particular order.

Appealing to logic is really the wrong way to go about this. Because logically, he did it.

Might I suggest the most excellent era of the late 80s?

That explains the headline in the my library's microfilm archive: Ms Yvanehtnioj Discovered Sharing Daguerreotypes of her Ankles with Local Boy. Sentenced to 6 months labor in Madam Trunchbull's Facility for Wayward Maidens.

I used to tackle this problem with what I believed a novel and exceedingly clever tactic; I would simply mimic his own snore back to him, which would immediately stop him without waking him up. But then one night he opened his eyes and said "you really have to do something about your snoring". RAGE.

No. It's the direct result of the fact that EVERYTHING IS GODDAMN MADE OF CHEMICALS GODDAMNIT. Just because it has a name that sounds scary and science-y and is also used for other things doesn't necessarily make it bad. There's plenty of food products (wheat and corn and animal byproducts) that are also used in…

SCIENCE?

Classified as a "warming device".

"It features Daria Werbowy looking very Moss"

Hail Mary, full of DAT ASS, the Lord is with ONE MO SONG. Blessed art thou among DEM TITTIES and blessed is the JIGGLE of thy BADONKADONK. Holy Mary, mother of TWERK, pray for us BITCHEZ now and at the hour of MAKE IT CLAP.

There is nothing funnier than a rape joke, people! You are all wrong.

Well, I certainly hope none of the mothers starts craving cabbages from the witch's garden. Because we all know how that turns out.

Have you ever noticed how fat pregnant ladies are? Intolerable.

Not mine! She's badass!

Ya know? I was going to get all snarky and snobby about the terribleness of Olive Garden and say something about how I'd rather just stay home, etc. etc. But if this provides parents who don't usually get any time alone with an affordable date night (especially since they otherwise might not have it) then that's nice!…

Oh man, this would be a hilarious game:

Can someone please explain the Rihanna joke? What does #TBT mean? And why did I wake up so old today?

Definitely read that as "Dead NFL Player Surprises Girls Who Wrote Him Adorable Note," and I enjoyed the twist ending where it turned out he was not dead at all.