“did i stutter, bitch?” always works for me.

Dude was on drugs and it’s not like he was a contributor to the Oxford English Dictionary like William Chester Minor (who cut off his penis).

Gee, it’s almost like religion is a huge and multifaceted system that means different things to different people.

Maybe one of her guests decided to deflower the bear.

Steve Buscemi or Peter Lorre, depending on your age of reference

The crust of some of you people! You really got a rise out of me!

Do you think if a famous person transitions from female to male, the tabloids will be like, “I don’t know what it is about Miles Cyrus, but he seems so much more confident lately. Yet more down-to-earth, somehow. More rational. More logical. Less squawky.”

HERE THEY ARE! SNOOZEPILE OF GOATS.

Yeah, my wife, who had never had a pet of any kind before this, was slightly terrified of getting one cat, much less 2. But she really wanted the kitten (orange cat was 5 months old when we got them) and I explained that it would be much better for us to take them both because 1) they obviously liked/knew each other…

3AM bed shrimps are the worst.

There is a thing I like to randomly share with cat owners , and that is the existence of museum putty. It’s wonderful stuff. It won’t keep a lamp from getting knocked off the table if it sustains a direct hit from a 14lb. cat moving at high speed. But it will save your framed pictures, vases, action figures, candle…

My cat, who once opened the freezer at 3am, somehow contorted his furry little self enough to snatch up a bag of frozen shrimp and pranced upstairs to enjoy them in my bed and looked shocked when I, too, did not nibble a frozen shrimp in delight, has more self control than the caramel lady.

i have vicious merida hair envy

My cat, who once opened a microwave oven while the popcorn was popping, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once destroyed a floor-to-ceiling lamp with her butt, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once fell off a bookshelf at 3 AM only to land butt-first on my face (catass…

Call me naive, but that’s one of those situations that proves the old cliché, “the good will always prevail over the evil”. At some times, evilness, evil people, evil happenings, seems so strong and prevalent that we are tempted to despair. But history has proven time and time again that, in the long run, the good…

LESBIAN SHITASSES IS LIKE, JEZEBEL INSIDE JOKES 101. Duh, Barack Ebola! Get with the times! :P

Well, this lesbian shit ass is sorry to hear about Mrs. Baio’s brain tumor. Nobody deserves that.

Tylenol is kinda a bad idea after drinking, assuming you enjoy having a liver.