Wait a minute.. This sheriff?

Oh, her? Don't worry about her; she does this at every game. That's Peggie the Pirate, and she wanders into the dugout at every game to complain to Danny Murtaugh that "there's too many of those people on the team these days." Adorable, really.

Now I'm having a flyover video of the U.S. with the Game of Thrones theme playing in my head:

Phelps's eyes were bloodshoot, "his speech was mush mouth,"

Well, I won't be eating this shit due to your article, Burneko, but unfortunately now I want to kill myself.

It looks like an optical illusion. The tesseract of side dishes, a pork-dimensional hyperfood. You enter Wendy's to eat this and exit from a gas station bathroom in a desert 4,000 miles away wondering which of your memories are real and which were implanted.

I was on board with this until you got to Dave and Ted and Dwayne and the conference call and the heartbreaking desire for this one day in the rapidly-diminishing days of my life to be different, to break from the ennui, to be one day where I could cry to the world that I AM A PERSON and I HAVE VALUE.

I would eat this.

His beard makes me so happy.

I know who Mark Hamill is playing, an old mining prospector who is gonna dig for gold!

I like this better:

It's blatant medical malpractice because the company switched up the sperm vials. Do you really not want the company held accountable because they fucked up at their job?

Ya know the old joke about looking up a word in the dictionary and seeing such-and-such's face. Well...if you look up strikeout on Wikipedia...

He could have had a chance to have a retirement tour, but I guess he whiffed on that.

Best Adam Dunn fact: He stole 24 bases in low-A in 2000.

So I guess you could say Adam's... career is over?

Of all the problems I have with this thing, the biggest may be that it doesn't appear to hold enough of either the snack or the drink to suffice. I mean, some of those Stacy's Pita Chips are huge. Plus, they're only going to make you thirsty. That container on the bottom is barely big enough for a urine drug screen,…

So that we may eventually face our death with dignity and self respect, like Spock in the volcano or whatever.

Goddamnit, Albert. Must you crap all over my dreams?