THIS belongs in the scary stories contest they have every year. I am serious.

Oh God. I think I did this to my daughter. What should I do?

Those two sentences sum the whole thing up. She's been told what she did. Just because she claims she doesn't get it doesn't make it okay. Nice.

Yeah, but was the whale wearing blubber-tight trousers? Was it?

Read about the Crusades, much?

Koran says Jesus was a prophet.

Here. All my stars. Yours.

Mmmm...taters...

Pleez dont remoob dem. I use dem for hugs.

She was still a teenager.

Actually, I can see little stretch marks—they're lighter colored, shinier patches of skin. And, as you said, pulled taut by all the pressure.

Need a pic PLEEZ. Also, give your pooch some kitty smooches from me (but if you dare confront me I will deny it. DENY IT!)

This bee says it all about how I feel about humanity:

As a 4th grade teacher, I can assure you that we do absolutely nothing in class worth murdering me over. I do confiscate those little plastic pencil sharpeners you've managed to loosen the blade of, so maybe you're still pissed about that.

Uh, hello? If you were a REAL Catholic you'd know that there is NO gluten in the Body of Christ.* Transubstantiation takes care of all that. Of course, if you're vegan...