When I was 7 I packed some stuffed animals into my backpack, grabbed a Ziploc baggie of cherry tomatoes, and headed out the door. I made it across the street before realizing that if I ran away my parents wouldn’t give me any Christmas presents, so I turned right back around. #priorities.

Another (regretfully) true story: During my Fazoli’s days (back at the second location I worked at) we had a guy who was a regular jackass. I hated this guy, because he was a condescending prick, and always had the most pain in the ass special orders he could come up with. So, one night during the week of the Final…

Jay-Z: “Yeez what up it’s ya boy”

Once when I was four, I tried to run away, but I wanted to leave a note explaining things to dear old Mom and Dad. The problem was that I couldn’t spell many words so I had to ask my mom. I made it to “I am run” before I broke down in tears and my blessed mother had to hug me and gently take away my suitcase. Later,…

The bit about American tourists in Canada reminds me of the time a pair of them came up to the counter of the bakery in the grocery store I worked at and asked me where our beer was. I was a little confused. “Do you mean, like... a liquor store?” They both looked at me like I was stupid and reiterated that they wanted…

I tried this when I was 8.

I’m feeling Nicki’s Moschino swimsuit. The video is cute and summery too though.

The only correct response to that is “Get. Out.”

Honey and coffee is the greatest flavor combination ever. Hands down. I cannot live without it.

Am I high at work? WTF did I just read?

Just throwing this out there: honey is another alternative to Splenda. I don’t judge you or your habit. I had a similar situation with Splenda/Stevia and honey is now my go-to for coffee. It’s a slow digesting sugar (or some jargon like that) so it won’t spike your blood sugar.

For the record, I never would’ve taken Jolie up on her offer to try this diet had I known the degree to which it would affect her. I’m truly sorry for what she went through, but I’m glad she was willing to share the experience—it’s painful to read but important. And I want to thank her for the unflinching honesty.

“how am i supposed to eat my french fries?”

I just googled “scooped out bagel” in order to confirm that this is something being recommended by weight loss nitwits. YUP IT IS. I love when the NYPost is inadvertently awesome, though; they just chose the perfect vacant-looking dimwit to photograph and quote with the stunning insight, “It’s a lot less bread” http://…

Just wait until vigilantcitizen.com writes a critique of that video!

I am so confused and upset by this. What kind of psychopath would want a bagel with the BAGEL part scooped out? This is seriously something that was a COMMON request? WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE

I’ve never known love until I saw his single man tear.

Pizza guy, there at the bottom? That guy is my fucking hero.

Tom Hiddleston says his new gothic horror Crimson Peak is “really kinky.”

In LiLo’s defense (words I never thought I would type), I would like to flee to Monaco too.