Um, he had a vasectomy. That WAS their birth control, and usually it is sufficient. If she didn’t want to be on a birth control method herself, it should have been perfectly safe (and extremely reasonable to expect it to be). And that’s why she’s also said she’ll get her own tubes tied after she gives birth.…

This is why every time a Chris Brown song comes up on a Spotify playlist I skip it immediately. No sir, you will not have that fraction of a penny from me. To this day I have no idea what any of his music sounds like, and that makes me happy.

ME! All I did yesterday was watch a movie about a teen assassin and go to Islands, but that closet ain’t going to Konmari itself!! :(

It’s not just me, is it, this is objectively horrible on every level. I think Kanye’s losing his mind - slowly, but ever so surely.

Sorry all those people are so boring.

My wife has told me multiple times she REALLY doesn’t want a Pandora charm bracelet. So went and got a Pandora box from the store and put her new Fitbit bands into the box.

my wish list is pretty short but really heavy: i want my dad to wake up from the coma and breathe without the ventilator.

My mom’s pulling one on my sister’s fiancé. She got him a comically tiny stocking that matches our full-size stockings, and a full-size stocking that doesn’t match. She’s going to present him with the tiny stocking, which will contain like three pieces of candy, and tell him he doesn’t get a real stocking until he…

As a pregnant lady, I am now both scared and not judging you if you choose to eat him.

ConQuesolations!!! :D

Baking a cake for Jesus’ birthday is my way of relaxing after working on my dissertation the entire day. Ugh! Can’t wait to get this stupid degree out of the way.

I made sure to re-tape the original packaging, and apply zip ties to the intricate inner boxing. For added effect.

My relatives are in town from Luxembourg. My 12 year old cousin, spawned from Lucifer’s left testicle, has been calling me Sasquatch since I arrived, and bullying my heavy set niece and nephew. I bought a Darth Vader PlayStation. Emptied the box, filled it with charcoal, wrapped it, and signed his name to it. The…

Excuse me, this is MARIE SPEAKING/WRITING

I don’t mind “we are going to have a baby” because yes, after the baby is born, they will both, as parents, have a baby. For similar reasons I also give “we’re having a baby,” a pass. But “we are pregnant”? Ugh. No. No, no, no.

I want to burn any couple that says they (‘we’) are having a baby. no you’re not. the woman is having a baby. the man is not growing a human being for 9 months and pushing it out of a grape-sized hole. fuck off.

@ Yoko Listen to the sound of the fire burning in the center of the Earth. It is the same as the beautiful fire you carry inside you.

I’m the original ghosting/Irish goodbye type. That’s probably the wrong way to do it sometimes, but it depends on WHY you’re ending the friendship.

WTF?