He was probably gnawing at a cut on his leg. He needs one of those dog cones around his neck.

Well its hard to play a football game when you're keeping one eye on the opposing team and another eye on Sandusky to make sure he isn't within 100 feet of you.

By instituting a poll tax?

Witnesses claim Graham was throwing water on Xavier fans—some saying it was holy water, though how you could tell the difference I don't know.

Apparently the trick is to make sure your email starts with "So"

Look, if I have to die, death from eating an entire container of Bacon Bits sounds like a damn good way to go.

Doesn't he claim that title by being able to get into the ring without tripping over the ropes?

If, on the other hand, if you're looking for how NOT to be mugged in a major city, I highly recommend the collected works of Bernie Goetz.

Step 1: "Are you in DC? OK, just hang out for five minutes."

These kids live in Kazakhstan for fuck's sake. What is the point of trash talking?

I had one about two months back and it surprisingly did not hurt much at all. I just got the standard Novocaine, took about 45 minutes for the first visit. Definitely go to the appointment, its only gonna get worse if you don't. Once they finish the drilling, its even easier because all the nerves & roots are gone.…

"Great. First that one asshole shows up with myrrh, and now this. Worst birthday party ever."

Movies you could watch a billion times:

Meanwhile, due to budget constraints, the NY Mets have been reduced to running letters in the "Missed Connections" section of Craigslist in order to attract new talent.

'Dad, I don't know what happened, but I know I lost the game. I know I let the team down. What happened?''

Replace all contact sports with this:

Ah got it. Alldata probably won't help you then unfortunately. I could get you that shit for free though if it does apply.

I can actually probably get you specific data if you give me a make/model/year

You are probably looking for ALLDATA

Just lettin' 'em rip wherever I am.