As a human being, I understand that it’s not right that work and procreation are so incompatible for women in the U.S. (and difficult for a lot of fathers.) As a supervisor, it’s a huge pain in the ass when someone I JUST hired goes out on family leave and I have to do both our jobs until they get back (this happened).…

I am not one of those people.

I tan straight through an SPF 70.* I use it anyway because otherwise I burn but if I get cancer someday that’s just the way it goes. Because I’m neither staying inside nor wearing long sleeves when it’s 85 degrees. I’m not intentionally tanning, but it’s a side effect of my outdoor activities. I just wish the tan line…

“I’m asking a question but don’t want further discussion. Also, anything you don’t support, you’re attempting to prohibit. My dislike of pickles is a direct act to stop you from eating them.”

I was completely omitted from my senior yearbook. Not even listed under “not mentioned.” Then someone had the nerve to ask why I didn’t go the reunion. (Not that I likely would have gone anyway.)

I was a youngun’ with an already notable case of automatonphobia when this movie came out. I spent what seemed like months (but probably wasn’t) poised to change the channel during commercials in case the trailer came on. I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but the trailer scared the piss out of me.

I just literally snorted.

Pat. My man.

The jerk fireworks kid in my neighborhood set fire to his parents’ yard. We all pointed and laughed while they and other neighbors put it out with garden hoses. (We lived two blocks over and our hose didn’t reach that far.)

But what’s the Fourth of July without all the stories on 7/5 about geniuses who got drunk and blew their hands/faces off?

I literally almost died when Google Maps rerouted me over a one-lane mountain road with two-way traffic. That was when I started carrying maps again.

That I can order beer with breakfast is the only not-shitty thing about flying.

Downtime is only acceptable as scheduled self care. Otherwise, you must be productive. Merica.

Just the other day I read a letter to the editor about how the writer had recently traveled in Europe. While there she was lectured by the French, Germans, and Italians about how to avoid the rise of fascism in the U.S. I had a good laugh over that. Mostly the Italians.

Ironically, this is the one picture of Chopra that hasn’t made me sick with jealousy over her incredible hair.

Honestly, I’m fucking sick of the phrase “self care.”

Because how will I know I’m the fairest of them all if I don’t have the trophy?

There’s a local group called “Riparian Preservation” or something like that. Thanks to Hyacinth, I bust up every time I see their flyers. Which are made even more hilarious by the how the closest thing to a river in these parts is a creek that dries up in June and stays dry until the snow melts in March.

I have to stay home in case my asshole neighbors set fire to my yard/house with their drunken firework shenanigans.

Oxygen deprivation from wildfire smoke.