On Monday, New York mag will publish a long feature by Alexandra Polier. (Earlier this year, various media outlets claimed that Polier had had an affair with Presidential candidate John Kerry.)

Wanna advertise? Info here. (Unless you're Wired magazine — they evidently give us the advertising. And for free!)

You know, people, I do care about other things than human excrement. But of course all of New York is always concerned about sanitation at Conde Nast:

By the way, you only have a few days left to get your fill of... sailors. Fleet Week ends Tuesday.
Fleet Week Events [New Yorkled]

FRIDAY
· The four-months-after-they-were-formed-were-signed-by-Sub-Pop wunderkinds, The Thermals, will blow your mind tonight at North Six.
· So, all your friends are out of town? Don't sweat it! Now, no one will ever have to know about "the night when you flashed your titties and dry-humped the bouncer at the …

Paul, Hastings, Janofsky, and Walker, LLP lost a lawyer yesterday. He won't be returning, either, after his farewell memo. "In fact," he writes, "I dare say that I would rather be dressed up like a pinata and beaten than remain with this group any longer."

Like Erin O'Brien, the CAA assistant who was fired after her gushy "I work in Hollywood!" story circulated throughout the western world, the story of Ms. Poopy Pants couldn't have spread so far without eager emailers who were willing to spread it.

Trapped in Manhattan this weeked? Don't worry, you won't be alone — after all, the housekeepers and doormen have to stay here, too.

The weather appears to bite ass, but we'll still be bailing the hell out of Manhattan mid-afternoon with the rest of you. (Although, honestly? We might just skip the mad LIRR rush and take in an early showing of Soul Plane, which is sure to be the Citizen Kane of blacksploitation airline industry films. Seriously — …

The Story of Poopy Pants elicited lots of reader mail — not all of it friendly. In fact, this might be one of the best pieces of hate mail we've ever gotten. There's definitely a job in our offices for its writer whenever she wants.

1. After five heartbreaking years and millions of dollars, Jerry Seinfeld has finally completed his life's work: a five-car garage on the Upper West Side.
2. What heartless French bastard stole NYT film critic A.O. Scott's laptop? And you wouldn't believe how much we'd pay to get our hands on it. You know you wanna…

In case you only read Gawker — in which case, you're fucked anyway — you've probably heard that you're suppose to prepare yourself for Massive Amounts of Imminent Terrorism. Like, now. Immediately. Whatever!

To: The pretty girls at Daily Candy
From: The jealous guy at Gawker
Re: A Mad Rhyme For Mad Times

We're not naming names, unless the lady herself wants to come forward. We actually think she's a hero — I can't even watch FOX without wanting to crap myself. Can't imagine what would happen to my own bowels if I attended one of their parties.

Earlier today, we graphed out the NYT mentions of Balthazar over its seven-year history. But we forgot one important thing — cancelling out the NYT site's search results for alleged actor Balthazar Getty! Doh! As you can see, when Mr. Getty is removed, the resulting graph forms a disturbing face. Surely this has some…

A conflicting report on Party Pooper, the young woman who went straight for the open bar at the recent Fox upfront party with disastrous results — we had previously been assured that she wasn't fired for her night of hard drinking:

· Michael Lewittes, news editor of the Star, is asking for $1.3 million dollars in defamation damages — in part because a vindictive website referred to him as "that closeted editor of a certain paper," Page Six reports from court documents. I call bullshit. Could it be any more fucked up that insinuating a…

Chelsea — Manhattan's magical fairyland where the average rent for a 1-bedroom is $2,477 — is going straight, says the NYT. Perhaps it's for the best — we're not even sure how to start making fun of this sentence:

We've been following the story of a drunken young TV buyer who enjoyed herself immensely at the recent FOX upfront party at the Boathouse — so much so that she passed out, gashed her leg, crapped herself, and ended up in the hospital. We still haven't seen a copy of the circulating — and picture-filled! — email, and…

As you can tell from the lack of riots in the City last night, justice was served last night on American Idol. (And believe me, we would have been the first out there. Besides, we haven't gotten any good looting in since 1991.)