I saw Old 97's at Space, which is in Evanston. That was exciting.

“Hamlet? I wrote that shit in like a fortnight. Shakespeare got to get paid, son.”

I’m sure it has nothing at all to do with the fact that he’s black or that the whistle blower is a huge booster and even bigger bigot.

Weird. Mara Sullivan and Tayia Bush got the exact same pizza. Maybe they’re a couple. Or maybe people just find shitty heart shaped pizzas on imgur and then tweet them out like they received them. Great reporting as usual, Bar...

I own coffee shops in a mid-major city in trendy, hot markets. My rent is expensive. I thought I’d like to open in the local international airport. The rent is quadruple what I pay at my most expensive location. I would have to double the price of products and double my average traffic just to break even. I didn’t go…

Goddammit. Scooby didn’t say “Ruh-Roh”. That was Astro on the Jetsons (who was the same voice actor). STOP THE FAKE NEWS!!!

The scariest creature that is non-lethal is the California Potato bug. Sometimes referred to as “Satan’s Fetus”.

My dog doesn’t even pretend anymore. He just watches it bounce past and looks at me like “YOU get it.”

He was able to read the body language of the Intelligence Officers that were briefing him. He knew they hated Obama and had waffles for breakfast.

I was once on the 5 just north of Miami. The traffic, as usual, was at a standstill. All of a sudden, about 20 immigrants climb over the guardrail and start trying to get into cars. Mostly they climbed into the backs of pickups and laid down. I think we were all in shock, because nobody really did anything. I mean,…

...and Mack Brown and Mark May.

As a Buckeye fan, our relationship with MSU is weird. They are certainly not a rival, but no team in the last 4 years has broken our hearts like Michigan State. There’s respect there, and a healthy dose of concern, but there not rivals.

fuxxxx thaxxxxx xxxxxguy.

I have made a burger or some other sandwich thing and then realized I only had a flour tortilla. I just made the burger the way i always do: lettuce, tomato, 1000 island, cheese, onion, pickles. And I wrapped that son of a bitch in a tortilla and it was good. Why did they fuck this up?

They have one called Red, White and Cherry. It’s patriotic. But the phrase is “red, white and blue”. Cherries aren’t blue. The word cherry doesn’t rhyme with blue. I don’t get it.

My 104 year old grandmother drives one of those. It has 12,750 miles on it. And yes, I said 104 and drives.

Keep a flask of bourbon in your pocket. Drink only beer in front of people. Make them think you’re the biggest lightweight because you only had three beers but you’ve hit on the bartender twice. They don’t know you’ve also had a pint of Jim Bean.

Is that list in any order at all?

I love deviled eggs. I love hard-boiled eggs. I love pickles. I have never had a pickled egg. Should I try one?

I am a 50 year old man and I am addicted to Fixer Upper. I want my wife and I to be JoAnna and Chip and at the same time I want to be their best friends. I am considering moving to Waco just to buy a house from them. Help me.