Ted Cruz is what happens when you leave Marco Rubio in cheap plasticware in the back of the fridge too long.

Ted Cruz is what happens if you leave Marco Rubio sitting next to the stove too long.

It’s her! She’s pregnant!

Like thirsty for approval I guess? Like, reaching? I dunno, I spend too much energy trying to parse the slang of younger millennials. I finally figured out what “on fleek” means, and I think I’m ready to be done.

As long as caltrans doesn’t try to build a bridge over it we should be ok

Though, as Shelly Miscavige would tell you, hiding is pretty easy to do once Scientology gets involved!

what are you talking about, your hair is beautiful.

woot

I just shook myself like a dog.

If only Gawker employed someone to write in depth about the weather...

The solution to disproportionate responses by the government to persons of color is not to call for disproportionate responses by the government to white people. It’s to stop disproportionate responses against persons of color.

Dear terrible parents, If you have babies and don’t want them, please contact me. I have space for three and every intention of changing diapers, feeding regularly, and generally giving a crap.

That Wu-Tang album is cursed, we have to take it and walk it to Mordor and drop it in that volcano, son.

Maybe they just planned to buy an elevator in Britain?

It doesn’t matter what you give them; you’ll never actually see them use it. You’ll just find it unopened, tucked away in a drawer when you clean out their house after they die.

I probably could’ve run a meth lab while living at home in high school and my parents would’ve been oblivious.

Maybe that’s the point. Everything about this says, “I hate you, Daddy!”