When I was in the Mech Inf, I could fall asleep on the bench seat of a M113A2 at 30 mph (it really couldn’t go any faster). The inside of a 113 at that speed is like being in a metal garbage full of spent ammo, rusty bolts, jangling chains, Copenhagen spit, and drunken hobos, rolling down a mountain. The noise level…

It wasn’t a good look with those white short-shorts

As long as they are not rusty, ok then

Prince was just a visionary lace-wearing funky sex-ninja. Which is such a weird sentence to type, but so accurate.  Never will be another.

A couple years ago, I visited a friend out West and one afternoon he took me beekeeping. We went to some hives he was managing for a neighbor and fiddled around with bees for a couple hours. It was all surprisingly relaxing. The smoke chills the bees out, you are wearing bee gear, and everything you do is slow and…

Stupid car. No cup holder for my DoubleGulp.  This thing come with an automatic?

It’s because the Papa uses Olestra rather than Olive Oil.

I watched the game for a couple minutes. My impressions of Jason Witten:

So, you want to be Jimmy Haslam?

That wasn’t his nephew, it was the fruit of his incestuous union with his sister, which was consummated in the other woman’s apartment. After which he would take a huge shit to throw her off the scent.

Fake News!

A hurricane was passing through Virginia a few years back. The winds started getting pretty strong, the power cut off, it was raining sideways, and the house started making those unsettling creaky noises. So I pile everyone into the basement, and light candles, and my wife and I, the 3 kids, and the dog have a little…

The keeper had no chance on the second one, unless he had a ladder to jump off of. But the best part was the Jedi mind trick pulled on the first two defenders.

Even better, after rooting out the Foreman Grill she probably has lurking in her pantry and putting some fancy ass grill marks on slices of that hunk of beef for everyone else, eat some of the luscious gobbets of perfectly cooked prime rib you reserved for yourself in front of everybody, au jus dribbling down your…

Actually, a well done steak, a very well done steak, maybe a steak the likes that has never been seen before, because who doesn’t like a steak really really done on the inside, right, although I hear Hillary doesn’t like it, but who can say, but many people say, the best people really, the best people really like it…

No pickup trucks with “Farm Use” plates tearing along on the shoulder, zero guys whacked out on bath salts waving a machete at some coffin-dodger in a Town Car, and zero folks pedaling their banana-seat bicycles the wrong way down the middle lane. I dunno what this is, but it ain’t Florida. 

I’m not surprised Zlatan is wearing this. I am surprised Zlatan isn’t wearing the Borat “mankini” version of this.

Gee, I guess he wishes we could roll back the clock to when men were measured by Grit, Heart, Unruly Facial Hair and Timely 3-Run Dongs, instead of a nerdy stat like Batting Average, which for his last 3 years was .221, .240, and .226.

Mother approves this message.

I had no idea Dave Chappelle quit comedy to be a welder.