Dad looks like he’s bought Lavar Ball’s latest book “Retirement Plans Made Easy: Turning Your Kids Into Ca$h”, with a forward by Stephano Capriati.

Nice kinja haiku.

With the addition of Bartolo Colon, the Mets would improve.

If Johnny Damon led off the game resembling his Red Sox incarnation of Jesus, would it have been his Second Coming?

If he’s lucky, he’s going to get what my dog gets on his birthday: a nice shampoo, his nails clipped, and anal glands expressed.

Should have let her take the shot

In the near future, this kid is going in his living room watching Thomas the Tank Engine and blasting his quads with another P90X workout, and Nick Saban is going to walk in with a Lego Batman set and say “Son, lets talk about the Crimson Tide”.  Shoot, it might have already happened.

To trim up my left big toe I didn’t use a rusty saw, no, I used the old standby: a lawnmower. To tell the truth, the self-amputation of half my biggest piggie (now dubbed my medium toe) wasn’t really really painful, I was so furious at myself I didn’t stop to consider the pain. I managed to hop up to the house, bled…

A grown man should catch it in his bare hand, never with a glove, a beer, a bucket of popcorn, a tray of nachos, or a baby. Maybe his hat, or front trouser pocket. Then he should sit down like he does this every day and carry on drinking his $10 Bud lite. If your hand starts to puff up, or a finger is crooked, take…

Mine is the one in the upper left.

“Now I wouldn’t say that you should cook up some hobo’s ass, but there’s good eatin on one of those things. And everybody gonna eat!”

Either he is trying to flip those things with a screwdriver, or using a meat thermometer. So he’s either confused, or doesn’t know what he’s doing. Which reminds me of his 0-6 record on MNF. I hope his overdone steaks tasted like a hobo’s ass.

If I’m outside when someone pulls up in front of my house, I just stop what I’m doing and stare at them with a blank look until they reconsider their parking location and gtfo. Then I smile and wave because I am a people person.