I’m so stressed I’m actually using my Hitachi Magic Wand on my shoulders

“Americans have the right to gather under the First Amendment to hear from the President of the United States,” said spokesperson Courtney Parella.

“Jon, it’s 2020—all metaphors are real now.” The epitaph on earth’s grave.

Update: Dad came through.

I co-opting this thread because I’m too sad from 2 deaths in the family this month to talk about stress. How about something happy for those looking for a distraction? Reply to this with your FAVORITE or most fun/funny/cute/sweet Halloween stories.

A friend of mine got SHITFACED at a Halloween party. The stressful part was me and her boyfriend wrestling with her in the parking lot to keep her from driving home. So, a vampire and a hooker were throwing down with an very drunk, violent angel. It ended with her breaking her car key off in the ignition, pissing…

And chain himself to the wall, presumably.

Delivering an 8-lb baby boy after 14 hours of labor. That was something.

all growed up

I live in a zip code that has led both the Democratic party and GOP to believe I am black. I get special, targeted mailers every damned day. There are “Make a Plan: Vote” signs on every corner in Philadelphia. Ads airing on every TV break reminding people to get a mail in ballot if they need it, to vote early, to put…

Maybe a little early to panic about it. But I will be apoplectic if Biden, after having won the primary largely on the strength of black voters, then turns around and loses the election because, despite being flush with cash, he ignored his advisers of color and didn’t invest sufficiently in minority turnout…

That Bloomberg article goes on to say the following (emphasis mine):

Have you secrets to trade?

Says the woman who, if she wanted an abortion regardless of the laws of her country, could go literally anywhere in the world to have one. Sorry you peasants can’t do that but if you had architected your birth into a wealthy influential family, that empowering paradigm would be available to you, too. As that foreigner …

Do you really think the stench of the last four years will prevent them from landing once again in good standing in NYC? I hope they’re pariahs (and felons, to boot), but people have short memories. Look at everyone's favorite convicted rapist, Mike Tyson. Cartoons! Podcasts! Movie roles! People don't care once the…

Also consider how rough that year must have been for her. It’s her 2020. There’ll be people I haven’t seen since March of this year who, once I do get to see them, hopefully next spring(?), it will have felt like a decade.

You can have a phone, I can have a phone, but if nether side is really interested in talking then communication is lost. He says they sent a ship to Earth when their reactor, or whatever, blew. The EDF shot the ship down without hesitation. So it seems far more willful we don’t talk to people and we just shoot first…

The music swells (again, and again, and again), there’s hugging and tears, and it’s so clearly and obviously manipulative that it sets the rest of the hour off on a bad foot almost immediately.

Yeah, ouija board stories never do it for me because every single time I’ve used one something spooky has happened, and every single time we all swore it wasn’t any of us moving it, and every single time I’ve been lying and it was definitely me moving it.