You may scoff at the mere idea of a dating guidebook. You may almost certainly scoff at one that matches people by their mythological creature -type. I did too at first, and I have a professional astrologer on speed-dial.

It was one of those cloudless late-spring New York days when the air is just a few degrees cooler than blood-temperature and the smell of blooming trees drowns out that of the garbage and exhaust. In Midtown, the sidewalks were thronged with smiling, sunglassed waddlers offering up their pasty winter faces to the sun.…

Woman checking Carrie and Samantha in at the 'Women in the Arts' luncheon that Carrie bought new shoes for in order to impress Natasha, who doesn't show but later misspells "there" in a thank-you note: "Please remember to wear your nametags. Last year we had an unfortunate incident with Joyce Carol Oates." Maybe this…

Samantha: "Cum, spooge, jizz, joy-juice, fun-KEEE." Ringtone!

It's midday on Thursday afternoon and Charlotte is confronting Bunny MacDougal about her prenup with Trey. She wins the fight! She rushes to tearily tell her friends about the win: "I'm getting maaaaaaaried!" I am, of course, completely losing my mind at this point.

Miranda: "I know what you mean. We whine when we don't have a boyfriend and we whine when we do!" Oh my god, it's like she's taunting me.

Carrie to Aidan: "And I'm sure you have your bad traits." Well, yes. Like his HIPPIE SHIRTS. And his MAN-NECKLACE. And his POTBELLY. Aidan is the worst.

Oh, ok, I take it all back. Carrie's column kills her relationship with the golden-showers-loving politician. How could I have forgotten? "Wait a second! I may write about sex, but you like people to pee on you!" "Well, but no one knows about that." So Carrie writes a column entitled "To pee or not to pee." Season 3…

Season 3: the season of the GIANT FLOWERS on ALL CARRIE'S OUTFITS. What do they MEAN? Do they have something to do with 9/11?

Carrie: "I was like a woman frozen on the ledge of a building on fire ... I'd been so burned by my last relationship, I was afraid to leap off into the next one." Oooh... kay? Burn, don't freeze! Where there's smoke, there's fire! Leap off that burning building out of the frying pan and into the fire! SERIOUSLY,…

It's around 9pm on Tuesday night. I'm midway though the second season of Sex and the City right now. I mean, right now right now, like, as I type this, Big just held up a piece of veal and asked Carrie, "Is this a piece of veal or is this a piece of veal" and then she invited him to have dinner with all her friends…

Recovering alcoholic on Carrie's doorstep, trying to resist her sex-wiles: "You smell amazing. What IS that?" Carrie: "ME." Hee hee. Shudder. Well, that's one kind of signature fragrance!

Yeah, yeah, the episode ("The Drought") where Carrie worries that she has ruined everything with Big via one dainty, ladylike fart is patently ridic. Worse, though, is the episode halfway through season 2, "Evolution," where she confesses to the gals that she did a "number two" at Big's for the first time. Charlotte …

You know how, if you live in New York, you have kind of mentally made up lyrics to the 'Mister Softee' song? "This is the truck that's parked on your block, its name is Mister Sof-tee! It's gonna sit there and drive you nuts, softee softee softee ..." Something like that. Anyway, I am starting to get to that point…

Remember when Justin Theroux, as a bechokered character named 'Jared' (totally different from the later character he played named "Vaughn Wysel"!) announced that he was on the cover of New York magazine's '30 Coolest People Under 30' issue? Haha, what if New York magazine really had a '30 Coolest People Under 30'…

"And then, just when I thought I couldn't get any higher ... he spooned me." This line — and the whole men-as-drug metaphor in the episode I'm watching now — maybe marks the moment where things turn bad. Good thing there are only 31 hours left!

Hour Four: I just sent an inappropriately flirtatious email in response to a totally banal work-related question. What's next, having sex with my bra on? (Answer: no).

Male model: "I just have, like, these really intense thoughts, but I can't seem to keep 'em in my head long enough to get 'em down on paper!" Carrie Bradshaw, utterly in earnest: "Well, that's the big trick." SO TRUE.

Editor's note: Remember how I said I was going to watch every episode of 'Sex and the City' between April 1 and the May 23 premiere of the film? Well, for reasons of time, energy, and impending marriage, I didn't do it. What I did do, however, is pawn the task off on someone else: Emily Gould, Jezebel contributor and…

"Sometimes, the most beautiful thing, the most innocent thing — and many of those dreams — pass us by." Well, my friend Bennett Madison and I were determined not to let the 18th Annual "Night of A Thousand Stevies" (NOTS) pass us by, and if you recognize the quote above as a line from the (best) Stevie Nicks song…