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True to Form, Joe Biden Announces Bernie Sanders' Clinton Endorsement Ahead of Time

In an interview with NPR’s Weekend Edition that will air on Sunday, Joe Biden—your former BFF who you just can’t confide in anymore because they told everyone in the entire senior class that you’re still a virgin—reportedly announces Bernie Sanders’ endorsement of Hillary Clinton on his behalf. It appears that Bernie…

Miss Teen USA Is Eliminating the Swimsuit Competition and Replacing It With...Athleisure? 

Apparently awoken to the fact that asking women ages 14-19 to submit their bikini bodies for public judgment is a rather odd thing to do in the year 2016, the Miss Universe organization has chosen to replace the practice with an “athletic wear” competition—which certainly does feels more aligned with the times, if in…

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Resentful Florida Teen Will Seek Senate Reelection After All, and Honestly, Why Do You Guys Even Care, Go Away

“I have only said like 1000 times I will be a private citizen in January,” failed Republican presidential candidate and agitated ninth grader Marco Rubio tweeted approximately one month ago, in response to a Washington Post story that suggested he was unsure about his political future. On Wednesday, the Washington…