I think they should do it, but only if they can genetically engineer an non-woolly variety. Then they can release it someplace warm, like Africa or southeast Asia.

I was in the ER when I was in high school, and they gave me some opiate (demerol?), and in that moment, I decided that I wanted to be a heroin addict when I grow up. I’m 43 now, and I still haven’t achieved my goal, but man, that feeling was so fucking amazing. To this day, I recommend that everyone become a heroin…

I walked out of my apartment in San Francisco heading for work once, and there was a woman standing in the middle of the street, high as shit, wearing a t-shirt... and that’s it. I wanted nothing to do with that shit, so I turned away, and headed a short block up to the bus stop and waited with a about 12 other…

I was watching the Netflix Unabomber show, and they pointed out that, in his manifesto, the Unabomber incorrectly used the expression “Eat your cake and have it, too” instead of “have your cake and eat it, too”. But then, they realized that the Unabomber actually has it right, and the rest of the world has it wrong. …

The Pirate Parrot told my brother and his friend to “Get the fuck away from me” for following him while chanting “Lets go Mets!”. Barry Bonds was in attendance, but I don’t think he noticed.

Read the gospels in the order they were likely written: Mark (AD 66–70), Matthew/Luke (AD 85–90), followed by John (AD 90–110). You can see the antisemitism grow over time as early Christians sought separate and define themselves as not Jews. By the time you get to John, the Romans are blameless bureaucrats forced to…

I’m hoping that someday someone will invent a snuggie without those goddamn arm holes.

I don’t specifically remember the first time I drove, but I do remember the first terrifying time I drove without my parents. There’s a lot of stupid to unpack here. It was the day after I got my license. I was driving my moms pre-Previa toyota minivan, which had four wheel drive, so I picked up my friend and we of…

I get why you wrote this, but don’t you think it’s high time the Spanish speaking Mongolian community finally rises up and fights their own battles?

I don’t want to see Hamilton because I’m afraid I’ll hate it and again be labeled a serial contrarian. I don’t want a repeat of the bloody ‘07 Spamalot incident.

They are afraid he might try to take his own life using a firearm, but will miss and instead hit an innocent bystander.

I don’t know why people are so critical of his looks. I loved him on Deep Space 9.

I feel his pain. I had this awesome apple picking trip planned, but then September 11th happened and nobody felt like going. Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

This same thing happened to me when a sideline reporter asked my son if he wanted to follow my career path, only he responded with, “What’s a crack whore?”

This man would fornicate with rye weevils if it meant he could chuck on ol’ Man Grumbdricks horse-drawn silage buckrake for five more minutes.

Toddlers with all their fingers are overrated.

I second that.  I’ve had pots and pans with handles I don’t like before, but these are actively painful. 

I second that.  I’ve had pots and pans with handles I don’t like before, but these are actively painful. 

Damn. I was hoping for an evil Charlotte’s Web type explanation based on the headline.

I think that’s a Holy Grail cat.

This is great!  Now I’ll be able to unload all these misprinted Q-Anom t-shirts I had made.