My mother didn't want either to win. She knows that I will literally die if the Republicans kill my health care. She still didn't want either to win. I don't even know how to begin with how much that hurts. Family politics sucks. My mom loves me more than anyone else ever possibly could but she'll still make political…

I'm a better potential president. No potential president. No potential president. You're a potential president!

Once again the hairless are ignored.

We are? Okay, good, um, nobody in the cast of Girls qualifies as fat. Can we get over that? Most of them look like they've either survived a concentration camp or a Calvin Klein ad. Can we get past that and talk about the jokes? Like how there aren't any?

Newswire not only cannot afford tickets to Hamilton but they still can't afford to see The Book of Mormon. Newswire doesn't even know that Rannells is no longer in the The Book of Mormon. Rannells is now in Orlando. Reportedly he loves it.

It will happen when it happens. One star.

I'm gonna need to see a driver's license or a long-form birth certificate. The Xenu I know has about as much to say as Cthulu but with a little less personality.

If he wanted people to call him Yeezus then he should have spelled his name Kanye like any normal person would.

Oh I don't like her. I mean I paid for her and all but I don't have to like her do I? Where's Ivanka? She always helps me through this.

"Now Stewart she needs that to breathe. You put that back now."

Stewart!

That's only because they knew he was part Jewish.

Don't Americanify it! Do you really want to see Trump suck balls?! Because he'll do it! I do NOT want to see Trump suck balls!

You like your Slovenian bride? We know all about your Slovenian bride. Maybe we make you president.

Only if we can still serve horse meatballs.

The National Archives. Because he's got the best words. Also he thinks he's Nicolas Cage.

https://youtu.be/PgA8Mi6FZFU

As long as he wears that outfit (you know the one) that guarantees this will all go away.

I'm sorry but Padma Lakshmi is busy in South Carolina right now. Perhaps she can get back to you after the season finale in Mexico. If she can get back from Mexico. There may be a wall. And she's suspiciously brown.

Put your right hand out, give a firm handshake
Talk to me about that one big break
Spread your ear pollution, both far and wide
Keep your contributions by your side and
Stroke me, stroke me
Could be a winner boy you move mighty well
Stroke me, stroke me (stroke)
Stroke me, stroke me
You got your number down
Stroke me, stroke…