It turns out the attacker was his real mother. His mother is actually his sister. Or she's his mother and his sister, and then he gets slapped in the face by Jack Nicholson.

Yeah. They don't like it when you steal their kills.

Not much of an achievement there. I mean, have you ever seen a 30 Seconds to Mars video?

A monstrous crime, for which he has yet to spend a single day in prison.

Charles Dickens may also have been the shittiest husband in Victorian England, but the competition was extremely fierce.

Ashton Kutcher's continuing fame and success are incomprehensible to me. When was the last time he did anything good?

Tina Majorino may be best known for Veronica Mars, but I still think of her as the last good character to be introduced on True Blood. I'm still bitter that they killed her off in the service of a particularly sucky storyline.

I'm not saying you all should go out and start murdering people on cruise ships, I'm just saying that if you want to murder somebody, you've got a better chance of getting away with it if you do it on a cruise ship.

I'd go further, and argue that Justified has the single best opening scene of any show ever.

It did a great job highlighting the utter hopelessness of the human situation.

I remember, a few years ago, somebody on a forum (I think it was Uproxx) asked why people were complaining so much about The Walking Dead, even though it's entertaining. My explanation went something like this:

And yet the flawless Rebecca Hall somehow isn't.

"Think Brooklyn Nine-Nine, but with tidier sets. And instead of blackboards, everybody writes on glass."

Alice Eve! Beloved by nerds everywhere for completely killing the plot momentum of Star Trek: The Wrath of Totally Not Khan, We Swear.

Speculation about the glove worn by this version of Freddie Krueger begins… now.

Thanks to a couple of international flights over the last two weeks, I finally saw Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad.

They're just a bit busy auditing the President.

True, but what's wrong with repeating the Jackman approach - early 30s guy with good sideburns who you can keep on a diet of steamed chicken and testosterone for 15 years?

Yes, but I never read the issue in question (I want to say X-Force), just read the quote online. And I may be misremembering it.

And Hostess fruit pies.