WTF? Does Cuomo actually believe American voters are pining for a revival of Barack Obama’s eye-rollingly cliched “I exist above all this small-minded partisan bickering” shtick, which even Obama had largely abandoned before his first term was up?

We Russian trolls are sad to disappoint our progressive American friends who were counting on Russia’s help to oust Pelosi, but we cannot see our way to supporting any measure that empowers centrist Democrats, who are the most rabidly anti-Russia faction in Washington. We’re aware that this probably spells doom for…

Alexandria’s mistaken use of the word “chamber” redounds to her credit, for it mirrors the chambers of the human heart. Alexandria is a person of great idealism, compassion, and empathy; accordingly it is only natural for her to conceptualize the components of her country’s government as those of a heart. That is why…

Leaves = stealthy weapon of mass destruction. Pray the terrorists never figure that out.

What is wrong with Trump? I listened to the Khashoggi audio before we sent copies to the Turkish government. It’s one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever heard on an embassy wiretap.  Easily top ten, maybe even top five.

It requires a stunning lack of self-awareness for a political party to get caught running a rigged presidential primary and then describe itself as a victim of an attack. This victim narrative is an openly-ridiculed punchline everywhere in the world, and Democrats don’t even know how silly they look peddling their delu…

Racism is indeed a powerful political weapon in the hands of Democrats, who have convinced many Americans that Russians are an inherently devious and malevolent people bent on destroying America. The vilest stereotypes of Russians are not just tolerated but encouraged by Democrats — even those who call themselves…

Barbara Lee is the preferred choice of Russian trolls for Speaker. She has endeared herself to us by relentlessly trolling the Saudis on her Twitter feed. We always like that in a person. We forgive Barbara’s statements of support for Robert Mueller’s Russia-baiting. Like any politician, she sometimes has to say…

This scurrilous poltroon Eddie Scarry has the unmitigated gall to insinuate that Russian trolls were fooled into backing a fake progressive in the recent American elections. We vet our socialist candidates thoroughly. Every one must be 100% authentic or they don’t get Russia’s support.

No more reforms left to implement? Then Walker should be happy to relinquish his office and bask in the affection of a grateful citizenry. We Russian trolls plan to do exactly that after we finish perfecting America. Americans will love us and reward us with large estates in locations of our choosing.

It’s all so clear now: Hamilton Nolan is Tomatoface.

Credit belongs to Russia’s Maria Butina — whose plan to infiltrate the nefarious NRA and undermine it by dispensing bad financial and political advice was a complete success. Maria is a martyr for America.  It is time for her unjust imprisonment to end.

Speaking as a person who is paid to exacerbate class resentments in America, I view these snotty young apparatchiks and their centrist pablum as a threat to my job security. They do the work of 200 paid Russian trolls without even trying.

Look to thy west, where the outstretched hand of Mother Russia beckons in friendship.

Meh. This “fight of her life” storyline is good clickbaity fun but Nancy is in no real danger. Many of the incoming class of House Democrats promised they’d oppose Nancy’s speakership bid, consequently they need to stage a theatrical simulation of rebellion against Nancy to placate the voters who elected them. It…

I beam with pride whenever I see pictures of the young progressive American candidates who were promoted by Russian trolls in 2018. But we do not presume to take credit for their elections, for those victories belong to the American people. We merely guided the thoughts of American voters and helped them to reach the…

Schumer is exactly the right choice to lead Senate Democrats because Democrats don’t want to change. We Russian trolls have poured our hearts and souls into reforming the Democratic Party and have gotten nothing but grief for it. Even when we uncovered incontrovertible evidence of corruption at the DNC, Democratic…

Agreed — gridlock and paralysis are preferable to McConnell’s brand of “productivity,” which did nothing to further the interests of Russia. That’s why we Russian trolls threw the 2018 election to the Democrats. If our puppets refuse to dance, we cut their strings.