Wally at 67 and Phillip Phanatic at 2? I don’t even know how to reconcile these, they’re the same basic mascot.

“No video on the internet has ever made me this uncomfortable.”

I’m not too surprised at how it all started, Siri has a reputation for talking back.

And to celebrate, the couple proceeded to engage in some serious Hinkie panky.

“The human body is like a battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise only depleted.”

Call me old fashioned, but I don’t see the need to have boobs in the booth.

I’m counting on The Blue Meanie to be the only third-party candidate that can break through this two-party duopoly we are being smothered by.

Sean Spicer: “This reporting is ridiculous bias, they were clearly chanting ‘Booetsy’.”

In Schilling’s defense, I did hear that the fan was politely yelling song lyrics at Adam Jones.

If you rearrange the letters and leave out a lot of them and add an extra W, it says “I played for Washington in game two.”

Actually, Roc A By Sevenup was doing Pepsi, not coke.

I don’t get it. Everyone talks about how turnovers are so terrible, but I personally think they’re delicious.

Football, North Korea, vapor lock — is there anything this man can’t do?

“Philadelphia is raising the bar,” Goodell said. “Which is all the more impressive given that they spent decades lowering the bar to unfathomble depths.”

Maybe if a tape surfaces with a player feeling better after smoking weed, he’ll change his mind.

Next up was Jom Tomsula, who gave the Pope a used pool skimmer and a box of Hamburger Helper.

“(He could make up the difference. He makes a lot of money.)”

“Chico was not a saint...”

Oh please. Paddle ball is significantly worse than getting hit by a car.

This wasn’t even the most excruciating press conference in the past two days.