Hello. This is Dave. I am your Funbag substitute teacher. If you’re sorry I’m not Drew, just know so am I. I promise I’m not trying to replace him. But the Minnesota Vikings, am I right? What’s the deal with barbecuing?!?! Fuck John McCain! Anyway, I do most of my work at Vice Sports and have an independent podcast…

The NHL season starts tonight. Some teams have no realistic chance at a Stanley Cup. Yet all the teams are bad, in their own special ways.