Feels like I’ve been saying that for about four or five years now, and then it’s like week 19 of the season and Brady’s in the playoffs throwing laser 22 yard passes late in the 4th quarter.

Lest we forget, Bill Clinton met Monica Lewinsky during the government shutdown when she brought pizza to his office. 

Hi. I’m a young girl on the run in a movie. You don’t know much about my background because I turn my head away from you whenever it comes up. I act tough, but that’s only to cover up my sweet and vulnerable personality. I have habits that frustrate you, like smacking my gum, or using my phone at inane times.…

They’ve also hired a barista from Coava to give each player who adds creamer a disdainful smirk.

So you’re saying she was your theater major friend from Ohio who went to Ireland for a semester her junior year and came back with an accent.

Kind of a stupid question, but how is it that we’re so good at detecting objects in other galaxies, but can’t even see a hypothetical far out planet in our solar system? 

Doctors and dentists prescribing opioids as a reflex for every damn little thing seems to be the biggest gateway. I was born with six extra teeth and had them surgically removed when I was a little kid. It hurt like a bitch for a few days and I survived by ingesting a shit ton of whatever it was you took for intense…

Yes, you will look super normal and non-threatening by whipping out a phone and taping yourself asking for permission every time you offer someone a handshake.

Is this a fucking joke? The Senate Minority Leader is “both sides”-ing this, comparing minor vandalism to a mail bomb? Jesus fucking Christ. 

Gruden hates young quarterbacks, and believes that he’s enough of an offensive genius that he can pretty much take any veteran qb off the scrap heap, and turn him into a star. What I’m saying is next year will have a rotating cast of Brock Osweiler, Mike Glennon, and Ryan Fitzpatrick. 

Good point, Trump is much more likely to be nice to us if we *don’t* take back the House!! 

“Bull Chlamydia”

Hannity tonight: “In fact, men with smaller-than-average penises have been revered throughout history.”

I love that you call out “zealots and extremists” the sentence immediately after mentioning your vigilante fantasy of punching out somebody for criticizing you. 

Statute of limitations applies to the criminal justice system, which is why he will not be charged with a crime. It does not apply to judging a person’s fitness for a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, which is what we’re discussing right now. Please try to keep up. 

Trying to count the number of times I saw people “accidentally” make the OK/WP sign while “resting their hands” in the first 43 years of my life. Pretty sure it was zero. Yet suddenly in this past year, FOR WHATEVER REASON, lots of white people apparently just naturally put their hands in this not-at-all-natural…

The asteroid is tremendously far away, and tremendously rocky. So many rocks. Lots of people are saying it has more rocks than anyone has ever seen. So we’ll see what happens.

Used to be you could watch a game without some GLORY BOY USHER trying to make a point and demonstrate how “swag” he is. 

Yeah my girlfriend works 3 straight 12 hour night shifts in an ICU and somehow manages to come home every night and find her actual house and not shoot anyone. 

““I mean, we have not interviewed her,”