The other restaurant is unable to provide complimentary desserts on your birthday because this restaurant stole all the ice cream.

"He wasn't alone—the likes of Brian McCann, Jacoby Ellsbury, Stephen Drew, and Mark Teixeira all went hitless, and Chris Young struck out."

I was hoping this was going to be some sort of man-on-the-street bit where he got people to explain why they don't vaccinate their kids, and then had a doctor pop out of a box and point out just exactly how they are wrong.

I see what you did there, you magnificent bastard.

"Notably, of all the people who have offered descriptions of what's on the tape, not one claims to have actually seen it."

Guy at the first store I went to gave me the 1/6 salary line, and I said "do you have any idea how brutally my wife would murder me if she found out how much I spent/wasted on her ring?"

I struggled mightily with all this shit when I went to the big jewelry stores prior to proposing. Cut, clarity, grading—ack! Intimidating...and crazy expensive. Then I found a nice vintage jewelry store that had a cool collection of older diamond rings from the 1920s. The one I picked out has a filigree band that…

I'm not sure that RMJ=H loves America that way you do, the way that I do.

Holy shit that's good. Now do one about Clemente!!!

That's cool if last year counts as one of those 2 years.

Like the geisha, modern day courtesans are trained in the arts of seduction, conversation, and their knowledge of quasi-modern events involving C-list celebs.

Albert Belle? Who the fu...oh, you mean Joey Belle.

Few people are aware that a decades long trend of declining rates of NIH funding are entirely to blame for Lance Armstrong's doping regimen during the late 90s/early 2000s.

How noble of him to also visit the site of a bombed building from the Korean War era.

"Come to think of it, maybe we SHOULD draft the kid."

Made me think of this classic.

Suggest headline updated to the following: "Bode Miller Wrecks at World Championship, gets injury that most people who are not doctors, and who do not feel compelled to tell everyone that they are doctors, would find pretty seriously disgusting."

That ad is the TV equivalent of the "Career Opportunities" movie poster from when I was a hormone-addled kid growing up. "Here's a movie, kids! It's about...something. Also, Jennifer Connelly's rack is in it, and THAT thing is super amazing!"

Not sure how much a diss it is when you go out of your way to make sure the backup dancers for your show airing live on national TV are wearing something that your arch-enemy wore one time and that everyone but you has forgotten. It's like calling an ex to tell them that you're totally over them and don't think about…