I love how bad Republicans are at art. Like they can’t even hire a good graphic designer. Pretty sure an intern wrote that with a highlighter and just called it a day.

In every sense of the phrase, Mitch McConnell has forgotten the face of his father.

I don’t know if it’s a hot take or not, but Mitch McConnell is the worst man in the world. Worse than Trump, worse than Putin, worse than poachers and war criminals, etc. I’m not usually the vengeful type who wishes specific ill on people, but I wish all the ill in the world on that bastard.

That’s a very small piece of toilet paper for such a large piece of shit.

What tickles me the most is the fact that, without a doubt, Secret Service members noticed it and chose not to say anything. 

What you should do is start talking to your other friends about how cheap she is behind her back. Really build up some animosity. Then if you ever go out together again, ask for split checks, but only 2 of them. One for the table and one for her. And if you’re in line for coffee tell Claire and Alice to go ahead and…

Again, not to silence these women or prevent them from getting the chance to seek some kind of justice for his attacks, but even if his demeanour wasn’t enough (it should be) the mere fact he perjured himself multiple times should disqualify him.

I used to do this every now and then but it’s been a couple years at this point.. so for old times’ sake, here is a list I’ve compiled of some of my all time favorite Gwyneth Paltrow quotes from over the years:

Eddieee did not give affection!...

So this straight couple who belong to a homophobic mega church went to a queer bar and made out there? Jesus Fucking Yikes.

The reason you couldn’t definitively prove it, is because you made a small math error. I have a masters in numerology so I think I can fix this (I don’t want to share the school name because I don’t want to dox myself but it rhymes with bog farts). Anyway, 105 minus 99 is actually 6 and when you subtract 99 from 105…

Wow, the Meyers family has some real dominant genes.

I don’t know how Lena can still be so thirsty surrounded by all that water.

“For nearly fifteen minutes, two of the most infuriating men on television yelled, interrupted, and tried to out-alpha-male one another to no avail.”

“these were 3,000 incredible people. We never will let this happen again.”

Norm literally made Frank Stallone into a punchline. On Stallone's Wikipedia page, the section about the joke is longer than his actual career.

You know who’s responsible for Norm McDonald getting bumped, don’t you?

Literally every new thing I learn about Marky Mark makes me dislike him even more than I already did.

I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again.…

I don’t care how dead a whole team of scientists say that thing is: I would not lie down next to it. We’ve all seen that scene in the horror movie. No. Sir.