This Belly Flop Contest Into a Pool of Mayonnaise Is the Best-Ever Example of ‘That’s Some White People Shit’ 

It’s hard to assign an accurate definition for the oft-employed phrase “That’s some white people shit” because, well, the best-possible definition is located within the phrase. “That’s some white people shit” literally means “That’s some shit so exclusive to whiteness that it deserves its own phrase.”

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White House Calls for ESPN to Fire Jemele Hill for Telling the Truth About Y’all’s Triflin’-Ass President

During a press briefing this afternoon, sentient Mein Kampf audiobook Sarah Huckabee Sanders suggested that ESPN should fire Jemele Hill for her recent tweets about Darth Cheeto, continuing the trend of people on the right declaring everyone else to be snowflakes and then melting like a snow cone in a dumpster fire…

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. Didn’t Beat ‘Racism,’ He Just Beat a Racist White Boy (and Made Him Rich)

Of the myriad justifications for 1) witnessing the sham “fight” between Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Conor McGregor and 2) finding joy in the serial domestic abuser’s win, the worst is that Mayweather’s pummeling of Caucasian Jidenna was some sort of existential victory for blackness. “They” lost last night and “we” won.

There’s a Serious Hennessy Shortage in America, and It’s Actually Donald Trump’s Fault (Seriously)

Hennessy is a criminally overrated cognac. I maintain that it’s actually more fun to say “Hennessy” than it is to drink it. Because Hennessy tastes like ATM runs at 3 a.m. Hennessy tastes like puddle water and penitence. Hennessy tastes like it should be called “Omarosa.” But overrated doesn’t mean unimportant, since…