I'm a retired nurse and it takes a lot to make me gag. This made me gag.

Motivated enough to consume your own placenta, yet too lazy to make it oneself. I have a hard time picturing the intersection of this particular Venn diagram.

I think the 'lesser quality cooking programs' partially hits on the problem. Watching Alton Brown break down the science of how to cook a roast chicken, or letting Julia trill on about a classic omelette is different than watching Rachael Ray, Guy Fieri or Paula Deen fold an entire package of cream cheese into a…

I don't watch many cooking shows anymore, but one of the reasons I stopped was I saw a switch several years ago from shows that focused on technique and how to layer flavors and balance dishes, to shows that were basically food porn. Anyone can throw a bunch of butter, cheese, garlic, bacon and onions in something and…

Didn't she declare herself a born again virgin and claim to be saving herself for marriage, or some other bullshit like that?

My family and I moved to St. Louis when my dad got a different job and the first night we moved in, we ordered Imo's pizza which is the go to place for "St. Louis style pizza." Imagine eating really sweet tomato sauce on a cracker with plastic glue cheese melted on top and you have St. Louis pizza. Our first…

Speaking of love letters—

crab water, gasoline, salt water, vinegar, with hints of citrus and alcohol.

... which is why you'll be the natural choice to work late three nights this week, because the folks with kids really need to get home. And you can work Christmas too, I'm sure, because all of us have to be with our families at this special time of year. Being an old crone with a wizened, barren uterus, well, we can…

Inserting my cat's name into songs that I'm singing along to. "All The Scouty ladies! All the Scouty ladies!" "My Scoutaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun!" "Last Scout. Last Scout. For Scooooout." And since Kate Bush was mentioned, "Running up that Scout! Running up that Scooooout. With no Scoutleemmms"

Hmm... is joke?

"This could mean taking your pants off to eat a beautifully arranged cheese plate"

A few years ago some dear friends were getting married and I was their graphic designer - it was so much fun (really!) getting to do that, and they were super into having everything be branded for the wedding. We had strict graphic standards for the event.

I'm financially dominated. It's called my mortgage and kids. People pay for this treatment?

I think his class deserves a refund.

It's the raised eyebrow of a Texas oilman's wife, when the county sheriff drives up to her rambling ranch-style mansion, asking where her husband's at, and, as she kicks a little more dirt onto the slightly raised mound of fresh soil at her feet, asks the sheriff if he'd like to come in for a little drink.

Regarding that bullshit 2013 requirement that a woman has to hear the fetus' heartbeat before the provider can perform an abortion procedure:

I got a 31 on the ACT in 2003. Class valedictorian (pastor's daughter, natch) got a 29 and was so upset about it she took the SAT out of spite.

Taking the SAT at 17 : Taking the SAT at 35 ::

Bob Greene was a columnist for the Chicago Tribune who talked about doing the same thing on Letterman about 25 years ago. It was a funny story and Greene admitted he had scored less this time, meaning he was dumber than he was as a 17 year old. Letterman kept bugging him to admit how much more poorly he'd done as a…