Ze German Doctors (still not in Star Wars) understand Kobe more than Kobe does. Most of them don’t even wear lab coats.

The only people who should care if someone is gay or not are people who want to have a potential relationship with that person. Any other person who gives a shit should probably move to Iran.

No one gives a shit that she won the award given her talent. Good for her. Random people on the internet voted for her. This is not David Copperfield making an elephant disappear. Also, eyebrows. I thought mine were bad (I’m still a dude), but these fucking things harbor terrorists.

His boss calls himself “Barry”. Ever met someone named Barry and told yourself “I really trust this guy”?

If I don’t start seeing a flood of “Flight of the Conchords” posters, I’m going to get pissed.

Is this the one where Will Smith forces Jaden into a space ship to search for Xenu and ends up dying after 3 weeks without Guy Fieri and failing to teach his son ANYTHING worth a shit except to “wrinkle your forehead boy”? Or does that happen in Part 3? I wanna see Part 3.

Might as well have the last name of WorseThanMadoffandHitlerCombined. Holy crap, he should have started at changing his last name. It’s not like the Hoyle name has probably been involved in a million cheating scams or anything:

Expect Stephen A. to spend at least 45 minutes talking about the racism involved. He may also talk about baseball for 2 seconds.....HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA who am I trying to kid. Stephen A. would shit himself if he was able to explain a double switch. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

“Now, imagine I’m one of the twin towers and tell me how the hell an Air Hog is supposed to take me down. It’s simply not possible without conspiracy!”

Everyone in this frame has a first name that is actually a last name to normal people. We have a Connor, a couple of Quinns, a Noah, Drake, Spanner (a fucking wrench?) 3 Mitchells and a Shannon wearing horizontal stripes in the front row getting ready to either touch himself or eat his boogers again for the 7th time…

“I curse you with manual labor until eternity! Now I have a craving for Pizza Hut’s salad bar and the Pac-Man game near the pick up window.”

“Hey wife and kids! I just found out we’re all related to Hitler! Tell the media.”

“The UFC controls the media by investing in publications outright or else denying access to those who would cover its flaws in an effort to hamper critical outlets from doing so while dissuading others from starting.”

Ainge thought being on Toucher would end up as Touch-him.

When you’re age 56 and still call yourself “Danny”, something is wrong. You might as well wear your hat backward and hang around minors.