As a certified online deadspin replay official:

So’s their mascot.

Why do referees always look like they’re escorting each other onto a ballroom dance floor when they walk beside each other

Uh, was he wrong on either count? Nope. Fuck off, Pop’s still a genius.

My understanding is that the lineup isn’t technically official until kick-off and substitutions can still be made freely until that point, but instead of looking it up I wrote this comment.

Oh no, force me to spend $6 and be treated to unlimited shitty, delicious mac & cheese pizza. Fuck you, fuck all of you. Cici’s rules.

Yeah only on planet FUCK THIS WEED IS STRONG is Litter Caesar’s a preferred dinner choice over Pizza Hut.

Hungry Howies, Jet’s, and Marco’s are all real, and are all significantly better than any of the places on the list.

I like the part where the bar owner inexplicably reduces the cost by $20. Only in conservative economics do business owners for no apparent reason reduce their profits.

That’s the “parable” part here. You, reader of this stupid fucking email, are not the rich guy. You know you’ve been getting free beers and unless you want that GRAVY TRAIN to jump the tracks you’d better keep your fucking mouth shut about these goddamn rich people tax cuts. Got it?

Pats could pick up Kaepernick as a back-up. Boston fans would surely embrace that.

It’s also a neat monetary fact that, if you start with a penny and double it every day for an entire month, at the end of the month Sarah Huckabee Sanders will still be a total asshole.

Incidentally, I have been buying a helluva lot more beer under this administration.

An entire piece on United’s recent form and no mention of the fact that Paul Pogba has been out for weeks?

When my daughter was 2, she refused to let me use wet wipes to clean her after she pooped, and insisted on being wiped with a shred of an American flag which had been moistened with tears shed by decent upstanding citizens at the moral decay our society has been experiencing since, oh, about September 22nd, 1862. But…

*hypocrisy

One of those better be: “Wow, I bet this would be a great country if we killed off the people already living here.”

Depends; does the byline count as a sentence?