I hope it was being the designated pitcher in a children’s coach-pitch little league, because if children start hitting dingers at a young age, they’ll have the confidence to be great baseball players. It’d be a win-win for the Braves scouting department. I hope they considered this!

Did the Braves organization specify what the assignment was?

Did you know that a giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue?

Did you know lemons contain more sugar than strawberries? It’s true! If you’ve ever got a craving for something sweet, you can use this simple trick:

The Penguins literally smashed the ice-skating surface into large, razor-sharp shards and used the shards to decapitate the Ottawa Senators’ players who then literally glided around headless on uneven, blood-soaked ice for multiple periods. Not sure how Ottawa comes back from this without the assistance of a voodoo…

*lowers shades* “I hope they 76'd later that night to celebrate.” *puts hands behind head with supreme confidence and convinces the world he is cool and knows about sex acts*

Yeah but why is there a picture of Brad Steven’s huevos rancheros in that Albert Breer tweet?

+1

I want my alternate righters to be handsome.

How hot are they, tho?

*in the eyes of the Lord

I don’t have an iPhone, so I can afford healthcare. I’m all set.

Those younger people are our children’s responsibility, crankygump.

Even better, my man! Then all I have to do is go to Hawaii to desecrate!!!

It’s so nice to be younger than these people because as time passes, they’ll all die off, and then I can organize a grave pissin’ roadtrip the likes of which this great nation has never before seen!!!!!!! YYEEEEEEHAAAAAA!!!!

“There’s a sport where angry people hang out on frozen water, now? Man, they can make a sport outta anything these days.” - ESPN.com commenter

It’s called the free market—something you socialist scuzzlords wouldn’t understand! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch thousands of children die from pre-existing conditions while shielding my tumescent, three-inch, free-market erection, baby! 

Don’t correct my gamer

I may not be the most qualified candidate, but I’d like to throw my harp in the ring for the vacancy.

Agree to disagree, baby.