Unrelated but look at this stupid ass review my friend’s bar just got on Yelp. “You weren’t operational when you weren’t open! One star!”

SWIFTIEEEEES COME OUT TO PLAAAAAYEEEEYYAAAAYYY

best comment in history of jezebel

I’m okay with this for the most part. The only time people get pissed off at me for not responding to an invite is when they’re trying to set up their own freelance business.

GOP debate liveblog

This Midweek Madness is basically an early Bret Easton Ellis book.

I don’t trust Yelp reviews for shit and I hate Yelp. But I still have an account because sometimes I get drunk and I’m like “I GOT REALLY GOOD SERVICE THERE FROM THAT LADY CALLED AMANDA. I WILL WRITE ABOUT WHAT A BADASS SHE WAS.”

Oh my twitter is just boehnertown

I’m sitting in bed with Penabler and we think we’ve found your Twitter account??? So between episodes of Supernatural we can’t stop laughing at it ;____;

I read “kazooos” in Oprah’s Favorite Things voice.

One time I asked a table that and the old-ass patriarch said “Yeah, you can take your clothing off” implied I was an uneducated idiot for being a server because he and his whole family went to *expensive private college* and I told him it was so gross and disappointing to share the same alma with such a swine and I…

Yeah! I mean, I’m just willing to tolerate a lot more bullshit from people I’m more physically attracted to on a first date/for a one night stand, which is probably a bad thing to admit to BUT IT’S TRUE.

Idk i’ve probably only met two shorter guys in my life with that level of insecurity about their height.

Idk the guys I’ve dated who have been around my height have generally been better boyfriends. A dude who’s 5’7 usually has to have a better personality than the taller guys to get laid (by me, anyway). Being shorter isn’t a “no,” it’s just not a big turn on. 😱

I feel like JESUS would just have everyone over for a potluck cookout. He would be like, “No person shall serve for money. Serve for love~ Come to my 12 hour daily potluck for as long as you like and drink my wine~ Bring what you can~”

Whenever I work the lunch shift on Sunday I just autograt every fucking table I can get away with. Any time a baptist church party made reservations for a gathering after Sunday, we would circle it in red, write BAPTISTS, and then try to call off work. Sure, you can autograt them, but the autograt isn’t much after…

Who was that one ONTD person who, 7 years before I knew what a diva cup was, had the user pic of Britney in her diamond Toxic costume, with the words “TOOK A SIP FROM MY DIVA CUP” because I only got it in the last 2 years and it just makes me die inside. In a good way.

I agree with you. Punching a customer is unforgivable, but I’ll bet she basically threw the damn blizzard at the employees. I mean I’ve faked being pregnant to use “NOT FOR PUBLIC” restrooms a few times because people know not to fuck with pregnant ladies. If I was like batshit insane about a blizzard I’d probably be…

This is even worse than the 2001 1970s revival ughhhh

Anyone with a grouchy conservative baby boomer parent that served in Vietnam is now applauding, because there’s no fucking way they’d consider voting for Trump after that delusional, rich white boy statement. (At least my dad won’t. McCain was his dreeeeeaaaaam candidate)