Oh, you mean back when the Daily Show was actually funny?

She’s used to people offering to pay for her stuff and now she has to WAIT for her egg mcmuffin. THIS CANNOT BE A COINCIDENCE. /s

Love that she snuck in there that she did the mobile order so other people wouldn’t “pay for her stuff.” You know you’re in a trod-upon profession when people are always offering to pay for your shit. 

Let’s not forget all those Starbucks coffees with “Pig” on them... because the police ordered them online with “Pig” set as their name.

Fuck him. Charge the guy with damaging private property but then Smith with felony battery.

Lol, if it wasn’t something already invented, you’d think a drive-in would be the funniest thing custom made for a pandemic :D

Basically all of the sex I have happens at home when my kids are in the house. Pro-tip: wait until they go to bed, and close your door.

I’m a children’s librarian so I’m working with some folks who are tiny but sentient and born during the Trump administration. They’re too young for Gen Z even, I don’t know what to call em besides adorable.

Amen - there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the Bell-Shepards owning some apartments. In fact, as rental housing stock in LA goes, you’re much better off having a celebrity couple like them for landlords (they’ll fix things, if only to avoid bad press) than some real estate investment ghoul like Steve Mnuchin who…

So Jezebel is in the “Property is Theft” camp now? Good to know.

“I be fine with a woman as President. But I just don’t want Christine LaGarde to be that President.”

For anyone who hits a paywall:

But if you could do this one thing, why would you do anything else?

*pushes glasses up on nose

Yeah, but he scored a touchdown yesterday, so it’t all cool, right.  Right?

Eddie Murphy is one of the most talented stand ups to ever take a stage. I’m excited about this. Also saying he’s been out of the limelight is kind of silly, dude has been fairly prolific just not in the stand up realm. He’s made a fuckton of money during his time “out of the limelight”. 

I’d rather go see Eddie Murphy bomb than watch Pete Davidson kill. So yeah...count me in.

Wow. This is one I figured out pretty quickly, as way too many people now have an infinite row of white dots at the top of their story chain. I’ll sit through 5 segments tops for a someone that’s relatively interesting (read: attractive). But, not 45 individual segments. That’s just too much.

... for the Olds.