Fuck, can you imagine how incredibly awful it would be to have to put out a press release when you broke up with your freshman year high school boyfriend?

“I truly hope you realize how important setting goals are for young women, teaching them we have so much more to offer than just our bodies,” Moretz wrote.”

“I’m going to send [my KKW fragrance] to my lovers, to my haters, to everyone that I think of,

They thought it would be like gym memberships- people would buy it and then promptly fail to use it.

Shockingly, watching a movie in a comfy recliner is in no way akin to doing 30 minutes on a rowing machine.

This is making me think that maybe Chris Rock wasn’t so far off the mark with his bullet control joke. Maybe we get to a place where you can print off a gun, but why not actually make bullets, especially the kind that do the most damage, extremely hard to get? You shouldn’t need like hundreds of bullets to defend…

“I have a question for the Trump Administration: Why are you allowing dangerous criminals easy access to weapons?”

I was just telling my coworker this morning about a woman I dated for a few months who, near the end of our blessedly brief relationship, held me down and forcibly licked my eyeballs.

I feel like everyone has a least one person that they dated/hooked up with that, upon reflection, makes them majorly cringe. But I can’t even imagine that feeling if that person were a Trump. I don’t know if I’d be able to survive it. Blech.

We had a black president before we had a black photographer shoot a cover image for Vogue. This is insane.

I’ve worked with people from Zimbabwe. I probably DO want their uncles here. Seriously, asshole, most of the Africans that come to this country work their everloving asses off, go to church, get educated, and raise great kids. 

I would trade Zimbabwe the Donald, Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka, Jared, Pence, Mnuchin, and Jeff Sessions for some guys uncle.

Can you imagine being his parents? How embarrassing.

The comedy at roasts is always expected to be pretty blue, and frankly I think if anyone should be allowed to make jokes about Harvey Weinstein it should be a veteran actress like Moore whose likely experienced her share of bullshit at the hands of men in Hollywood.

Okay, it’s got to be the video quality and the lighting, because she looks absolutely terrible. I know she’s not aging well, but shit.

Motherfucker, decide which way you want it before you sit down for a nine-hour interview. Daily Mail should ask for their money back.

Thomas Markle is the wooooooorsssst. How long before he stops getting paid for his interviews and ceases to exist in gossip? I have dumpster fire parents too but at least I’m not famous. 

I miss the Obamas so much. Also, Jake Tapper remains trash and tweeted a trash take about how the Obamas shouldn’t be going to a concert because the Democratic party is in trouble. Luckily, the replies ripped into him.

“...InfoWars devotees will never believe Facebook isn’t trying to censor them...”

Agree. Though, I think she could pull off the dress if she went with her more normal look.

Priyanka and Nick remind me of Cece and Schmidt on New Girl.