I'm not saying Lyin' Ted is the actual genetic father of either of his spawn, and in fact, I sincerely hope his soon-to-be-ex-wife procreated on the sly and used the Tedder as an excuse.

How old is the youngest Cruz daughter?

Just about then, the Duke boys were in a heap of trouble.

Look, if we could all brag about how hot and fit we were when we were 20, 90% of us would be bragging. (maybe not those of us on this website, but America in general)

What's that you say, Killa F@G?!!!!

If anything is required to parody President Pence, I recommend using a loaf of Wonderbread and a jar of mayonnaise in place of an actor.

Nah, the Democrats will have inherited the Earth as we tend to be in better shape. The Republicans might own more guns, but they're so fat they'll die as soon as any amount of real work becomes necessary to survive. Remember, Alex Jones and Donald Trump are considered "alpha males" to those lardasses.

I can adjust.

I once got in a heated argument with a European who called me a Yank.

It's like Superman, but geographically specific.

In one of my groups of friends in my early 20s, the Vietnamese guy was affectionately nicknamed Charlie. Pretty much everybody got a race-related nickname as we were all racially distinct. I don't remember any of the other names as they weren't as clever as Charlie, but I just know I didn't come up with any of them…

Amber Turd? Doesn't grasp sarcasm? Multiple exclamation marks used unironically? "Truth", "Logic", "Reason" or some combination thereof in the user name?

Those folks were clearly the cream of the American crop.

TWELVE!

My only regret is… that I have… boneitis!

Depending on how old your kids are, mine are six and seven and loved it, it's probably to take your kids.

*fewer

Lamest weekend ever. The kids and I just sat around watching movies.

I was told there would be no Accountant sequel!

It was like that scene from Fight Club where Amber was like, "I want you to do me one favor."