Thank you. I'm a senior citizen with a weak bladder.

My sister. She hates soup.

Does anybody ever eat a live porcupine?

No penis is EVER free.

The only things on MY agenda tonight are "Downton Abbey" and a can of Hormel tamales. And maybe chocolate.

I never heard of "Full House."

I find it ironic that you used John Wayne to illustrate a post on maculinity and "big strong selves." I always thought John Wayne was a little effeminate. He ran like a girl with flapping arms. Plus he had little feet.

Wearing brassieres should be illegal, too. At 62 years old I'm so sick of these damn things I want to dynamite them.

Hey. I'm an old person. I'll probably resent that after I find my trifocals and teeth. Thank you.

Better yet ... "my email was hacked."

God forbid. This looks like Anthony Weiner in a Jockey underwear ad.

Frankly, people considered "frontrunners" three years before an election never turn out to be the actual frontrunners. Which is a very good thing. All I see right now are bunch of douchebags.

I refuse to eat at these "frontage road" chains. However I happen to love Olive Garden's meat sauce ... so once a year I treat myself to container of sauce to go. End of confession.

I swear, Cracker Barrel does the boilin'-bag microwave routine for everything except scrambled eggs. Everything they sell tastes canned, frozen or reheated. My husband and I can never figure out why their parking lot is always so jammed.

Oh my God, I actually forgot all about Claim Jumper. I was there one time when I lived in southern California and they brought me a Flintstones-sized platter with a baked potato the size of a LOAF OF RYE BREAD.

And Demi Moore wonders why her relationships fall apart. Holy crap.

Bode Miller is an asswipe.

This looks like a shapeless housedress. Blecch.

If the idiots in Texas think this fetus is a real baby, why don't they go ahead and do a C-section, take the dead mother off "death support" and see what happens.

Hey, no thanks. I'll stick with Hormel canned tamales and Hawaiian Punch.