How in hell do Kardashians qualify as "women in entertainment"?

This is hilarious. I never realized! (Of course, I don't really care, either. I'm 62. Who the hell are these people, anyway?)

Holy shit. So THAT'S why she dyed her hair blonde!

Kim kept referring to her father as the one who always encouraged "giving." In other words, mom encourages TAKING. (Also sex tapes.)

You can buy size 20 almost anywhere. How can that be considered special or exciting? Big fucking eal.

The perfect signature item for grilled cheese.

I recommend Hormel canned tamales or Vienna sausages. Seriously.

I find Miley Cyrus to be repulsive. Seriously.

I didn't have any "colors" at my wedding. We got married at an Elvis-themed wedding chapel in Las Vegas.

BENGHAZI!

I totally do not get this. Seriously, people.

BENGHAZI!

Especially concerning the Olsen twins. They're two of the skankiest chicks I've ever seen.

I get weird shit like this all the time, usually from "gorgeous" 24-year-old Ukranian girls looking for a sugar daddy or special friend. Unfortunately (for them) I'm a married, retired, 62-year-old heterosexual woman in Texas. Makes you wonder what kind of bizarre email list they're working from.

Oh God, I don't miss shit like this. I used to have that debilitating pain after intercourse, too. Know what solved it? A TOTAL HYSTERECTOMY. No more pain, no more hemorrhages, no more tampons, no more technicolor underpants. That was 23 years ago and I'm still celebrating. Come on over for grilled cheese and…

And canned Hormel tamales with chocolate milk.

AT&T U-verse is a LOT more reliable than Time Warner. I'm in Dallas and haven't even had a blip of trouble with my connection. And (as a bonus) you can program your DVR online.

I am. And I even have NEW SHEETS on the bed!

I'm in Dallas. Yes, we're frozen. Yes, everything is covered in ice. However I don't really give a shit whatsoever because I've got a case of canned tamales, Hawaiian Punch, two bags of Russell Stover chocolates and the entire nine-volume set of Columbo episodes on DVD. I'm good until we thaw.

My first fragrance addiction (high school) was Heaven Sent by Helena Rubinstein.