Alex Trebek. We were going to town, sweaty and frantic and he kept yelling, “Who is....your daddy?” over and over again like they phrase it on Jeopardy. Suddenly he pulled out and I was standing naked in front of the studio audience, crying.

Those 16 bullets cost the taxpayers of Illinois $5 million, and a piece of their collective soul.

I volunteered on a sexual assault hotline for a few years, and you’d be surprised how common stories these are... I frequently talked to women maybe twice my age who had a devastating experience in their teens that turned into drug addiction, depression, and everything in between for years after. And the degree to…

After all these years of watching her and Jeffrey putter around thinking “oh what a cute nebby husband he is” I finally looked him up and was like oh shit Jeff is king of the world.

They were asked to press “1” for English.

Our Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor beans only come in beef and gunpowder.

My wife and I just call it TGI O’Chilibees.

Any box of Lucky Charms is all mashmallow if you’re willing to do the work.

They’re so concerned about ending the autism “epidemic” that they’re creating actual epidemics out of preventable diseases. Fucking incredible.

Whenever the notion of gun control comes up, the Right is very quick to point out that banning something doesn’t make it go away, it just means that people desperate enough will go through whatever means they need to obtain it.

I hate how people repeat the first fact though, like it’s an excuse to still operate. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but I just really don’t like when people are like “ignore the abortions, they do so much good”. NEWSFLASH: Abortions are good.

Of course they’re not! The Americans mostly plan on getting into heaven on the “I hated all the right people” ticket.

This is an emotionally inflamed moment. It would be inappropriate to talk about doing nothing now. We’ll take this up in a few months and do nothing then.

Quick, Congress! Do nothing!

The ingenious waitress’ name has been lost to history, but the Legend of The Waitress With The World’s Driest Sense Of Humor is still whispered to this very day.

The Reuben one reminded me of a story Terry Pratchett told. He said that one jet-lagged evening he accidently asked for Three Mile Island dressing for his salad. The waitress didn’t say a word, just brought him Thousand Island dressing and a bottle of hot sauce.