WEBVTT

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Elon Musk has been hospitalized
after severely burning the lower

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half of his body in a failed attempt
to impregnate a toaster.

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Sources confirm the 52 year old tech
billionaire was airlifted without pants

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from Austin, Texas, to the Grossman
Burn Center in Kansas City, Missouri,

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to undergo an experimental
grafting surgery

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aimed at repairing the third degree grill
marks on his penis, scrotum and thighs

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that had resulted from repeatedly
thrusting his erect genitals

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into the plugged in kitchen appliance.

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According to witnesses, the Tesla
CEO walked up to the communal

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kitchen aid for slice toaster
that sits in the company kitchenette.

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MUMBLED something about bridging the gap
between man and machine

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and let out a series of yelps as the hot
metal seared into the flesh of his groin

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grunting as he fought off
anyone who tried to intervene

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before climaxing into one of the empty
bread slots.

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When asked for a statement, Musk's team
responded, quote,

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All great innovators must fail
in order to succeed.

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Well, the toaster has declined to comment.

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Get ready to fall in love with your salad
because Green Giant has unveiled

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a new lettuce that customers can put
a wig on and pretend is their wife.

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The new iceberg lettuce head
is also perfect for joing on

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with some lipstick,
dancing the night away and even kissing.

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So whether you're single, divorced
or widowed.

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Green Giant claims
their lettuce is the best for pretending

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you're a happily married man who has
finally found the love of his life.

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Not to mention, she tastes great.

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Welcome to The Onion's kissing simulation.

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Pucker up and place your
lips on the screen to begin.

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Whoa.

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Hot stuff.

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You're really good at this.

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Keep kissing. We'll kiss back.

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Put on Chapstick for extra wetness.

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Hubba. Have a

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great job.

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You've reached level five kissing.

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Amazing.

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You've unlocked the tongue.

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Things are getting hot and heavy.

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Look at all the spit on your screen.

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Congratulations.

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You are now a certified face sucker.

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Print out this certificate of completion
to show your lover

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you're an experienced kisser.