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Joe Biden has announced
that the US has killed a guy that kind of

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looks like Osama bin Laden and a huge
political win for the president.

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Biden announced U.S.

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troops had assassinated someone vaguely
resembled the notorious terrorist

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and founder of al Qaeda.

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After thanking the brave Navy SEALs
who completed the mission.

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Biden held up a photo, squinted
and said, quote, You can see it right?

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According to intelligence sources,
the man technically posed no threat,

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but they figured looking like that
was enough of a reason to bomb.

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Biden has now allocated
several billion dollars to finding

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and killing some guy
who could maybe pass as Saddam Hussein.

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Boomers.

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Do you know what this means?
It's short for razzmatazz.

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Is it a rapper?

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It's usually a rapper.

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Risk was a chemical agent.

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We secretly tested
on civilians in Vietnam.

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Or is it someone's ability
to attract another person through style,

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charm or home ownership?

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I believe it's a portmanteau of rap.

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Yes, I know it's slang for charisma,
but I'm faking dementia

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to get out of spending time
with my grandkids.

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Whatever it means, it's not racist enough.

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My name is Ronald J.

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Frehley, and I'm a former official
in the federal government.

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I've come here today at great risk

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to my personal safety to uncover a truth
long withheld from the American public

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because the people deserve to know
what's out there.

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Despite what you've been told,
vegetables do exist.

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Vegetables

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are real.

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For decades, the FDA has knowingly kept
evidence of the existence

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of leafy greens and starchy root
vegetables tightly classified.

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Silencing anyone who tried to come forward
with evidence of spinach,

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potatoes or carrot type entities.

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I myself have personally substantiated
thousands

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of accounts from otherwise sane,
credible Americans

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who claim to have had a close
personal encounter with the vegetable

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and lived to tell about it.

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30 years ago, the U.S.

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government enlisted an elite squad of FDA
officials to head

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Project Green Tube,
an effort to catalog and understand

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sightings of unidentified food objects
that could not otherwise be explained.

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And while it was presented to us

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as a covert operation
in the interest of national security,

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I have now come to realize that I was
duped into participating in a full blown

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cover up by the United States government
to conceal the existence of vegetables.

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And I can prove it.

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In the restricted facility
where I worked in Virginia,

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there is a refrigeration unit containing
authenticated physical samples of multiple

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vegetable specimens found over the course
of our investigations.

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There is even a room where they place
some of these non-meat

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biologics on the table

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and slice them open.

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I admit that for a long time

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I was complicit in hiding this information
from the general public.

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But you have to understand,

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if people knew how many of these things
were among us hiding in plain sight

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in our grocery stores and in some cases,
our own goddamn homes, well,

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who knows how they may have reacted?

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All hell would have broken loose.

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The reason I've come forward today
is that more and more, we're now

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finding traces of these grotesque
vegetable anomalies inside our own bodies.

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Even our children's bodies.

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And you

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deserve to know.