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January 6th. Rioters.

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Why did you storm the Capitol?

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What's the point of having a bunch of cool

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guns and tactical gear if you never get
to use it to overthrow the government?

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Violent video games
and all popular music made me do it.

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Couldn't tell you I didn't join
the Proud Boys to think for myself.

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There are hardly any public restrooms
in our great nation's capital.

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So you tell me where
we were supposed to go for relief.

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I wanted to kill some lawmakers,
and that's where they all were.

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So that's where I went.

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For me, it was a classic case of body
swapping with my conservative neighbor,

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who I could never relate to
until I spent a day in his shoes.

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Unfortunately, that day was January
6th, and I woke up in his body

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as he was scaling down
the wall of the Senate chamber.

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Marco Rubio owes me 45 bucks.

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Instacart stock is plummeting
as Americans have finally realized

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they can do some things for themselves.

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The 80% drop in the value
of the grocery delivery app occurred

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after many discovered their ability
to get up and physically go to a store.

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Experts say that the company's
initial business model failed to account

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for consumers learning how to zip
up their jackets and tie their own shoes

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before leaving their homes for one.

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GrubHub stocks, however, are now
skyrocketing after millions of Americans

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found themselves too tired from shopping
to cook any of the food they bought.