WEBVTT

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Here's how I stay safe
as a woman who jogs alone in the city.

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It's super easy.

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No pepper spray needed.

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Just a vest, chaps.

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Leather boots,

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spurs,

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a bandana, a mustache, and a six shooter.

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Taking on a cowboy alter ego
while I jog discreetly,

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allows me to feel secure and confident
so I can focus on my run and not on worry.

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Stay safe, ladies.

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Reports of a metal fork on an Illinois

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sidewalk spread earlier today
after this incredible footage went viral.

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Officials claim there are at least
50 homes in the vicinity of the park

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that could be affected
if not properly disposed of.

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Well, this is a neighborhood that has seen
its fair share of plastic cutlery

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on the sidewalk over the years.

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The metal utensil has left the community
dumbfounded, and nearly 5 hours later,

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experts are no closer to understanding
where the metal fork originated.

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Leading to speculation about whether
it appeared in the middle of the sidewalk

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as a result of human intervention
or an act of God.

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Florida Governor Ron DeSantis says
that slavery was no big deal,

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and now he's going to prove it.

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As the presidential hopeful
has announced plans to live as a slave

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for a whole year to prove it's
not that bad.

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DeSantis outlined
that he'll be put on the auction

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block and sold away from his family
to a cotton plantation where he will work

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the fields, clean
his master's house and cook his master's

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meals, all with a smile on his face
and a song in his heart.

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Unfortunately, soon after DeSantis began
his carefree year slavery,

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he was forced to fight another slave
and brutally beaten to death.

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Employees.

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Why are you
refusing to return to the office for me?

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I prefer the freedom of being able
to choose where to be miserable from

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gutting and skinning livestock virtually
is so much easier for my schedule.

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I dressed up a mannequin
and sat at my desk in like 2018.

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No one has noticed yet
and I doubt they will start now.

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Turns out my kids are actually pretty cool
once you get to know them.

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I forgot where our office building is
and I'm too afraid to ask.

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All of my most annoying coworkers
survived COVID.

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No, thanks.

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I found it much easier to
masturbate on the clock here.