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The CDC has issued a dire

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warning that Nick Cannon is feeling horny
this week.

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The Center for Disease Control
issued an visor cautioning Americans

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of the ongoing fatherhood pandemic
caused by TV host and rapper Nick Cannon.

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Women of childbearing age
have been directed to shelter in place

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until the authorities can confirm
that Nick Cannon is no longer aroused

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and to avoid locations

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that would put you at risk of meeting
Nick Cannon, such as the club.

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CDC guidelines note that if you find
yourself having sex with Nick Cannon,

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it is important to begin using some form
of birth control immediately so as to stop

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the continuing spread of Nick Cannon's
fatherhood across the country.

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Conservatives. What does that mean to you?

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If, hypothetically, anything at all
goes wrong with your life that's woke

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work is firing people at work
just for showing the intern your penis.

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Academically speaking,

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it is the radical process
in which the Little Mermaid becomes black.

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I tend not to use that word

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because it has anti-black connotations
and omits the crimes of Jews.

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It's when Charmaine attacks

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my values by implying
that lesbians also use toilet paper.

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It's not that hot.

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It's about acknowledging that systems
have been used to oppress minorities

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and taking an interest
in how those systems

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can be better
to improve lives for everyone.

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I know that I'm not stupid.

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I just hate minorities.

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Whatever I'm
currently terrified of or masturbating to.