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Ted Cruz has announced plans to once again
like porn on 9/11

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in an effort to plan ahead for the coming
year.

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The Republican senator from Texas
has stated that on September 11th,

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he intends to scroll through Twitter
in search of pornography before tapping

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the like button from his main account,
just like he did back in 2017.

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According to Cruz, giving a link to busty
blond sluts on America's

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Day of remembrance is his way of honoring
the victims of this national tragedy.

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Senator Cruz went on to specify
that he would deny liking the pornography

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and blame it on a junior staffer
claiming that he had never once typed

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big naturals, anal or even stepmom facial
into the search bar.

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Way to plan ahead, Senator Cruz.

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Men struggling with ED.

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You're in luck
because Hims has just unveiled

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their new dunce cap for men
who can't get hard.

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After just a brief teleconference
with Him’s Doctors.

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You can have one of the company's

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dunce caps for limp-dicked
men sent right to your door.

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And once a licensed
professional determined

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that the reason you can't get it up
is because you're some fat, ugly loser.

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They'll then gather other nearby doctors
to laugh at your failure as a man,

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and Hims is even started offering other
free treatments for erectile dysfunction,

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including a clown nose, a slide
whistle, and a large chalkboard

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where men can write.

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I can't cut hard over and over again.

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Parent.

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What is an evil
thought you have had about your children?

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I am going to frame my child for murder
so I can finally get some sleep.

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Sometimes
it just feels like planting their DNA

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in an ongoing murder investigation

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and having them arrested is the only way
for me to get some peace and quiet.

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I often wonder what would happen

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if I shook the thing upside down
to see how many coins fall out.

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I know it's wrong, but it can be tempting.

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I'm not proud to admit it,
but sometimes when I'm sitting alone

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and thinking about my child, I wish that
he would get traded to the Buffalo Bills.

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This baby sucks so much

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there is absolutely no way
Satan will ever inhabit him.

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Not worried about him being taken
as a vessel by Lord of Darkness at all.

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Because this kid blows.

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Sometimes when I'm really feeling lazy,

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I think maybe baby
formula is okay every now and then.

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Oh God, I'm such a terrible mother.

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One day I am going to buy a basketball
hoop,

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lowered it to seven feet
and dunk on this baby bitch.

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I could probably claim
postpartum depression

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and get away
with a relatively short sentence. Jackpot.