WEBVTT

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Fraternity slash sorority pledges.

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What was your worst hazing experience?

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I tried joining a frat my freshman year

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thinking
it would be a good way to make friends.

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And boy, was I wrong.

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On the first night of Hell week,
they set up a line of empty coffee

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mugs on the floor, pointed at them
and said, Get in.

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I said, What?
They said, Get tiny and get in there.

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I didn't understand.

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They said, Get tiny and get in there.

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All we're going to taxidermy you.

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I tried as hard as I could
to shrink my body down

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to four inches tall, but I couldn't do it
and gave up after 7 hours of trying.

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They said that it was okay
and that we could still be friends,

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even though I did not know
how to get tiny.

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But I was too embarrassed.

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I took a sharpie and wrote the word
taxidermy on my bare chest.

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I guess
fraternity life just wasn't for me.

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A recent study has confirmed
that your friends do impressions of you

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behind your back, confirming
what has been speculated upon for years.

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A comprehensive new report
found that even your closest friends

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do an annoying
little impression of your voice.

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Whenever you're not around.

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And according to experts,
each of your friends participates

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in mocking your voice and mannerisms,

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exaggerating them to a degree
as to make everyone laugh at your expense.

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The report describes how often they do it
as soon as you are out of earshot,

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pitching their voices
up to sound nasally and annoying,

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to repeat phrases that you just said like,
How are you doing?

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And when you want to go to dinner.

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The report
concludes that your friends love

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making
you sound like the dumbest personally

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I've ever met
in their entire goddamn lives,

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and that you are nothing
but a laughingstock to them.

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Texas has launched a new outreach program
to provide troubled teens

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with the assault rifles
they desperately need.

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Governor Greg Abbott announced
that starting today, the state will work

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with local leaders to identify students
most at risk of perpetuating violence

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and pair them with the highest quality
semi-automatic rifles money can buy.

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Texans hope the new policy will help
break down the barriers

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that so many underserved teens face
when trying to purchase a firearm,

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providing them

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with free target practice, bump stocks
and hundreds of rounds of ammunition.

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If successful, Abbott signaled
that Texas will extend the assault

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rifle program to troubled children
as young as five years old.