WEBVTT

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Astronomers
have confirmed that the moon has died

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after gaining international notoriety
for its ability to track the seasons.

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The moon was beloved by billions, though
fame came with a price.

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The celestial satellite
struggled with addiction to drugs, alcohol

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and late night rituals with the occult
before its untimely passing.

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The moon was 29.

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The Supreme Court has declared that
now they're going to wear gold crowns.

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In a rare unanimous decision, the Supreme
Court has resolved that from now on each

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justice will wear a golden crown encrusted
with diamonds for all future sessions.

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Chief Justice
Roberts detailed how the court would also

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don flowing red capes
and replace their gavels scepters

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as children, fan them with palm fronds
while they deliberate cases.

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Reportedly, there was very little debate
among the justices who ruled

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that they must be carried
to the Supreme Court building on palanquin

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and will no longer come to decisions
without being fed the best food

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and wine in all the land.

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Looks like if your case makes it
all the way to the Supreme Court,

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you better be ready to dance.

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To the delight of all nine justices.

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Otherwise they might pull the lever,
activating their new trap door

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dropping you into a pair of funky tigers.

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Starbucks baristas.

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Which orders
do you hate to make the most? And why?

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Nano cappuccino.

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It's almost impossible
to get the froth to milk ratio right.

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One of the cup is one billionth
of a centimeter wide.

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So annoying.
Definitely the venti cup of spit.

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Sometimes it takes me over an hour
to produce that much saliva.

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No, thanks, Cutlass frap.

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Completely impossible
to hand it through the drive thru window

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without spilling small cappuccino
with 400 grams of mustard gas.

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I can't tell you how many times this order
has made me an accessory to violations

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of the Geneva Convention.
Shredded poll clutter.

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No matter how many times I slaughter
a pig, it just never gets easier.

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I hate the pre-made salads.

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They don't take any preparation
or work on my part,

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but I am haunted all day
at the thought of a person who is so sad,

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so lonely,
so miserable that they would stoop

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to buying a cold and clammy
chicken quinoa salad from the refrigerated

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case of a Starbucks
to presumably eat as a meal, no less.

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The emptiness of that existence
weighs on me long after my shift ends.

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Mop water. Hard to make it dirty enough.

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Today
I'll be making these beautiful macarons.

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And it would be great
if you please do not watch

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as I get very self-conscious
and can't concentrate.

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Macarons are a delicate, delicious
and quite complicated dessert,

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so I hope you understand
when I say you really cannot be here

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because I have severe social anxiety.

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And though I've been working

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with a therapist for years,
I've seen very little progress.

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And all I want
is to get these beautiful French pastries.

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Right.

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So please, just stop watching me.

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Stop it.

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Look, I am literally shaking.

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Are you listening?

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I said go. Or I'm going to mess up.

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Sometimes I think there is something

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seriously wrong with me.

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Something no amount of modern medicine
could ever cure.

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Sometimes I'm afraid of myself.

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Fuck, I fucked it off.

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This is all your fault.

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I told you not to watch.

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God damn it.

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I hope you're all happy with yourselves.