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Netflix
is cracking down on sharing accounts

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with a brand new policy
limiting users to just one eye per screen.

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The streaming giant recently

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updated their official account
sharing policy, stating that, quote,

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Starting today, account holders who watch
Netflix programs will only be able to do

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so with one eye at a time.

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And should they attempt to use more,
their account will immediately be frozen.

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CEO Ted Sarandos explained
that subscribers can choose

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between their left eye or right eye
to watch hit shows like The Witcher,

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but not both, as that is now
considered a felony.

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The good news is
anybody who wishes to use both eyes

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to watch Netflix can upgrade
for an additional $8.99 per month.

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Demand is growing for stricter transit
regulations.

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This week after a train derailed and
hidden an airplane 30,000 feet in the air.

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Officials claim that a lack of safety

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requirements may have led to the 37
car train jumping the tracks

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and soaring upwards of five miles
where it collided with the Boeing 737.

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Department of Transportation

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secretary Pete Buttigieg
has responded to their concerns,

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saying the Department is working
hard towards introducing new rules

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that would limit train derailment
to an altitude of 10,000 feet.

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Men, why do you think women's
yoga pants should be banned in public?

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Banning things
women want is one of the last vestiges

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of American masculinity
and must be protected at all costs.

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If I wanted to see a woman's figure,

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I’d just have AI create a fully nude
photo of her.

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Too horny. Not safe.

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The Founding Fathers
had no idea how stretchy pants

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would one day become its less yoga
pants specifically, and more any garments

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that may suggest a woman has a crotch.

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Too horny!  Not safe!
Too horny! Not safe!

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Athleisure makes it easier for them
to run away when I start talking to them.

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Only a promiscuous.

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She'd cavort around in bloomers
that exposed her ankles thusly

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Too horny not safe too horny not safe
too horny not safe.

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Some of the prints are just too bold.

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Almost died today delivering Uber eats.

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Oh, shit.

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Boy, Oh, boy.

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That guy.

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Oh, hell, no.

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There for.