WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.709 Americans. 2 00:00:00.709 --> 00:00:03.294 Why do you prefer gas vehicles over electric ones? 3 00:00:03.294 --> 00:00:05.672 My gas car can go forward and go backward. 4 00:00:05.672 --> 00:00:07.465 Let's see an electric car do that. 5 00:00:07.465 --> 00:00:10.719 The power strip I use for charging my devices is already too crowded. 6 00:00:10.802 --> 00:00:14.139 It would be disrespectful to the troops not to use the gas they died for. 7 00:00:14.139 --> 00:00:17.892 I'm waiting to skip electric and just go straight to nuclear. 8 00:00:17.934 --> 00:00:20.937 Talking about gas prices with people makes me feel like I'm a part 9 00:00:20.937 --> 00:00:21.563 of something. 10 00:00:21.563 --> 00:00:24.566 I can't off myself by running an electric car in my garage. 11 00:00:24.649 --> 00:00:28.862 President Biden has asked Americans to come sit by him and keep him company 12 00:00:28.862 --> 00:00:29.946 until the end. 13 00:00:29.946 --> 00:00:33.074 The president was seen today patting the side of his bed, beckoning 14 00:00:33.074 --> 00:00:36.536 all 330 million Americans to come take his hand 15 00:00:36.619 --> 00:00:39.289 so we wouldn't have to be alone in his final moments. 16 00:00:39.289 --> 00:00:42.250 The president reportedly urged Americans to come closer 17 00:00:42.250 --> 00:00:46.546 so he could, quote, see their nice smiles and hold their hand one last time. 18 00:00:46.838 --> 00:00:50.050 Biden then pointed at Vice President Kamala Harris and said, 19 00:00:50.050 --> 00:00:51.468 Not you. 20 00:00:51.468 --> 00:00:54.971 Flight attendants, what is something passengers always do that makes you angry? 21 00:00:54.971 --> 00:00:58.016 I absolutely hate it when they scream Humans were not meant to fly. 22 00:00:58.058 --> 00:01:00.226 This is madness right after takeoff. 23 00:01:00.226 --> 00:01:00.935 The time to work 24 00:01:00.935 --> 00:01:04.397 through your apprehensions about flying machines was before you got on board. 25 00:01:04.439 --> 00:01:06.566 When a passenger asks if they can switch seats 26 00:01:06.566 --> 00:01:08.735 so they can sit with the other terrorists in their group, 27 00:01:08.735 --> 00:01:10.320 why does it matter who you're sitting by 28 00:01:10.320 --> 00:01:12.781 if you're just going to be dead in 30 minutes anyway? 29 00:01:12.781 --> 00:01:15.366 When they ask for an extra SkyMall to masturbate to. 30 00:01:15.366 --> 00:01:18.203 Listen, man, it's one SkyMall magazine per person. 31 00:01:18.203 --> 00:01:19.537 I don't make the rules. 32 00:01:19.537 --> 00:01:22.665 Someone always feels like it's their duty to run up to you and tell you 33 00:01:22.665 --> 00:01:24.584 that a fire has broken out in the bathroom. 34 00:01:24.584 --> 00:01:26.252 Don't bother us with things like that. 35 00:01:26.252 --> 00:01:28.379 We're flight attendants, not firefighters. 36 00:01:28.379 --> 00:01:30.965 When someone tries to tell you that they are out on the wing, 37 00:01:30.965 --> 00:01:33.009 I literally cannot hear you all the way out there. 38 00:01:33.009 --> 00:01:34.636 No matter how loud you shout. 39 00:01:34.636 --> 00:01:38.264 There's always one guy who says I'm too drunk to pilot this flight to Tampa. 40 00:01:38.306 --> 00:01:41.017 That's what you said yesterday. And we got there just fine. 41 00:01:41.017 --> 00:01:43.812 Can you help me put my bag in the overhead department? 42 00:01:43.812 --> 00:01:45.105 Kiss my ass. 43 00:01:45.105 --> 00:01:48.149 Archeologists have discovered an ancient femur that they believe 44 00:01:48.149 --> 00:01:49.776 could make a mouthwatering bone broth. 45 00:01:49.776 --> 00:01:52.070 Archeologists say the prehistoric thigh bone 46 00:01:52.070 --> 00:01:55.406 is the naturally aging the ground for over 65,000 years, 47 00:01:55.573 --> 00:01:58.910 resulting in the ultimate combination of richness and flavor. 48 00:01:59.119 --> 00:02:03.248 They believe that by adding some sea salt, aromatic vegetables and a bay leaf, 49 00:02:03.248 --> 00:02:06.459 they may be able to develop a femur stock of historic proportions. 50 00:02:06.626 --> 00:02:07.752 Archeologists around 51 00:02:07.752 --> 00:02:11.089 the world are already calling it the most delicious find of the century. 52 00:02:11.172 --> 00:02:13.508 Damn, that was good. 53 00:02:13.508 --> 00:02:16.177 This is not an authorized ad for country crock. 54 00:02:16.177 --> 00:02:17.595 We're not getting paid or anything. 55 00:02:18.763 --> 00:02:20.682 No one asked us to do this. 56 00:02:20.682 --> 00:02:22.392 It's out of our own love and admiration 57 00:02:22.392 --> 00:02:25.395 for what we feel is the best margarine currently on the market. 58 00:02:25.854 --> 00:02:27.438 We're not seeing a dime for this. 59 00:02:27.438 --> 00:02:28.273 The truth is, 60 00:02:28.273 --> 00:02:31.234 for a while now, we've been having trouble thinking about anything 61 00:02:31.234 --> 00:02:32.652 other than Country Crock. 62 00:02:32.652 --> 00:02:35.905 Our therapist says fixation is typically a desire to have it 63 00:02:35.905 --> 00:02:40.910 to an object consciously or not, during one psychosexual development. 64 00:02:41.452 --> 00:02:44.455 We tried pills, but they made us feel crazy. 65 00:02:44.831 --> 00:02:47.667 A lot of attachment disorders are misdiagnosed. 66 00:02:47.667 --> 00:02:50.670 Ours is really just country crock specific. 67 00:02:50.753 --> 00:02:53.756 We look at other butter substitutes and feel nothing. 68 00:02:54.132 --> 00:02:56.634 We look at our children and feel nothing. 69 00:02:56.634 --> 00:02:59.512 Why can't we have just this one thing to feel good about? 70 00:02:59.512 --> 00:03:03.433 Are we not entitled to a single vice that makes life incrementally more bearable? 71 00:03:05.018 --> 00:03:06.144 We're not hurting anybody.