WEBVTT

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Facebook headquarters is

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on lockdown after Mark Zuckerberg's
avatar broke out of the Metaverse.

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Employees were first
ordered to shelter in place

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after the avatar materialized
in a server room.

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Let out a terrifying cackle and
immediately dismembered several engineers.

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The 3D avatar, which has green eyes,
brown hair and no legs, was last seen

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floating through the halls
demanding people dance for him

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before snapping their necks
and ripping them in half.

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According to employees, the only thing
the avatar wants is to speak to Mark,

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and until he finds him,
there will be, quote, no survivors.

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2024 may already be heating up, as Ron
DeSantis

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just introduced the nation to his new son,
Barron Trump.

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The Florida governor called the 16 year
old his, quote, pride and joy

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and told reporters

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he'd be taking the teenager on a family
road trip to rallies all around the state.

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The presidential hopeful
then promised Barron

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that after a few more pictures
with the nice photographers,

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they could go split a big bowl of ice
cream with his daughter, Tiffany.

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What a lucky kid.

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Researchers might have finally figured out
what Big Ben is.

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Archeologists
now theorize that the enigmatic Big Ben

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may have originally been constructed
to measure time.

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Evidence suggests
that the primitive society

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known as England originally built it
as an altar to their near

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fanatical relationship
to the idea of time and its passage.

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Of course, this is all still speculation,
but it does appear that one is able

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to discern the current time of day
by merely reading the position

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of the rods in relation
to one another on the circular disc.

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As far as where the name
Big Ben comes from.

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That's still a mystery, but historians
speculate that it might have

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originally referred
to some sort of all powerful god of time.

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Matt Damon has been forced
to sell his kidneys

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after losing everything
in a crypto pump and dump scheme.

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The actor reportedly lost everything
after a friendship

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guarantee,
but diarrhea coin was a sure fire thing.

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And now, just a week
after trying to sell his own

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blood, the debt ridden

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actor said he had to sell his kidneys
to telling acquaintances

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that his loan shark was going
to, quote, fucking kill him

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if he didn't pay back the millions
he owes.

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The only consolation.

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Matt Damon's kidneys are now in the market
for only $55,000 each,

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so you better buy them up quick.
Good news.

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This guy is in a coma,
so you can direct all your angry

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Internet comments to him,
and no one will see.

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You can say whatever you want
and he won't be offended.

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Go on and try it.

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Tell him how stupid he is.

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Say whatever terrible thing
you want with complete impunity.

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Tell him he's worthless

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and that he deserved
whatever happened to him.

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And what do you really think about women?

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Tell him why you are better than him.

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This is ultimately

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a much healthier place for you
to vent these kinds of awful notions.

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So you don't have to feel guilty.
Trust us.

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He can't read a thing.

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So leave
all your hateful thoughts in the comments.